Kitten’s Claw

Trivial Jargon
2002-05-28 23:07:08 (UTC)

Rain, Rain, Rain...

Down poor is more like it. So hot... so hot and wet and
sweaty and grrr...

I actually drew a portrait of Charles Crumb whilst I
watched (well whatdyaknow!) Crumb... *sigh* I'm hungry yet
I'm not hungry. Should I eat or... should I not? I've
been a pig lately... just eating and eating and eating and
walking and walking and walking and sitting and sitting and
sitting and wanting and longing and needing. I'm ready to
give up on so many things right now. I know for a fact
that I would rather live anywhere else than... where I
am... but the main question is- would I remain in IL if my
parents weren't a constant presense in my life? The
chances are... I would... just 'cause I'm chicken shit.
*sigh* I like it here... in Ohio with my brother. Being
able to spend time with his Gay parents, Ray and Jack.
Love those guys. They might move to Hawaii in a year or
so... I want to go with them.

People are so impressed with my artwork, even the extremely
old crappy crap. I wish they'd buy my artwork... I'd sell
it for 15 bucks per sketch... That's CHEAP people...
honestly... Apparently I have a gay-dar... gaydar of some
sort... I send out a vibe where lesbians and such are just
drawn to me. I hope it's cause people of both sexes are
comfortable with me *sigh* Apprently I also have a lesbian
hair cut. -_-*** I look good with it and I actually do
prefer guys... *sigh* lemeee aloooone... *pout*

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

I need a boyfriend. I have someone I love but, nothing can
be official and he's not obligated to do anything for me.
*sighsigh* I need to be taught so much. I need a lesson on
Human Contact, Physical contact, and... all that other good
stuff. I'm so horrible at it gah... To be so inadequate...
so many problems grr... No one should have to share in all
those burdons... As time passes, then all the problems just
blend into this one blob making Me the burden. That's been
the issue with each person I've dated. I try so hard to
not let other small things get in the way of the
relationships or make the romance deteriorate... but it
just doesn't work! I swear... I need a boyfriend... but I
can't have one or maintain one or... *sigh* Of course,
friend... boy... that is a friend... in Retrospec.. this is
what happens with all of my friends. All of my friends.
And eventually... it all fades away. But that pain of
fading away lasts for a friggin' long time.

Fruck... that's a lot to read... Hah... ever since I've
been told not to write so much... heh ^^;; subconscience
keeps telling me to ramble on just a bit more. Gomen
Nasai... so sorry... so silly really...

I need a whoooole new life. Yep yep... that's what I
need... anyone selling? I could use so much... so much...

And yes... Happiness hurts... it doesn't feel quite
right... it's amazing but... this feeling is... lacking
something... something significant and I don't even know
what it is...*sighsighsighsighyaaaawn* I slept... I slept
for a while. It was nice but now I'm even more tired. I
can't wait till I'm all growned up... Wondering what my
life will be like... Such high expectations from everyone.
People say that I'm gunna have such a great life because
I'm such a great person. I'm not always so... great... but
in all actuality- the secret to a great life with so much
success is drive. A drive, motivation... something like
that. I'm sooooo lazy. If there's something I want,
gah... someone I want *sigh* I guess I don't have that
drive. I want that drive. I'll get that drive. Need to
have that drive. Need to learn to drive. Yes I do... need
to learn to drive. Will do that too.. Want hiiiiim
grrr... Do I want him enough?

OH YES I DO... I WANT HIM... more than enough want here...
but... need... once I need something... that's when the
drive force kicks in... I think it already has when it
comes to him... if it where just an infatuation or
addiction or some little thing it'd be over, right? I
wouldn't feel this way still, right right? *sigh* stupid
emotions... get in the way of life. *sigh* I know if
everything, even friendship dies with this young man...
gah... emotions... gunna go bye bye again... I did it
before. Just said bu bye to emotions like love, hate,
happy... said good bye to it and guess what!? My grades
went up and I became somewhat introverted but damn... I was
smart too... smart... and in shape and even more
satirical...

*sigh* Then another young man would come along after that
and screw it all up again because I'm a fool. Maybe I'll
be mature enough to avoid it in the future tho. But I
don't want another young man and I don't want those stoic
disposition to return... no... I just want him... so go get
him... I can't right now... you've said that too long,
what's the hold up? I can't write it down... why not?
Because I can't? *SIGH* see... I beat myself up about it
even more than he persistently asks me... Double hits there

How much it doth suck...

Futon's actually comfy tho... Oh well... I'll spare ya'll
more greif from rambling and return to IM hmm...




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