synapse

synapse
2002-05-28 20:32:46 (UTC)

my dream

I had a mad crazy dream last night. I can't remember a lot
of it already, but the important elements are still there.
I was sitting with Gloria in our dorm room, but it was
evidently different. We were sitting on a comforter on the
floor against a big wall, and that was our two beds. There
was a chair with its back to us, and I was talking to Joel
who was sitting in that chair. Gloria wasn't really
talking, but was listening to us talk (she does that
sometimes). Out of nowhere I got this urge to hook up with
Joel, so I lean forward and kiss him on the
cheek......completely out of nowhere. Nothing he does is
weird, he just kinda reacts in a normal sort of way, and we
start holding hands then. Gloria leaves then and Joel is
sitting there with me on the comforter. We are holding
hands as if we were meant to and that is the only way to
be. Laying there in comfort, not saying much of anything. I
remember gently rubbing his stomach, and he flinches and
sort of pushes my hand away....and me thinking that was
because of what his dad did to him as a child. But yeah
then it gets weirder. A second me comes along, and is
outside with Karl, and I point out to him the door to mine
and Gloria's room. He opens the door, and it leads to where
our comforters are on the floor, and where me and Joel are
laying and talking. Karl says something along the lines
of "It's past curfew, shouldn't you be gone?" and Joel
leaves the room, with the me that was with him escorting
him out. Then all that's left is me and Karl. I sit in my
spot on the comforter, and he is exhausted and falls onto
the "bed" with his head in my direction. I start gently
caressing his hair............

and that's where the dream ends. So what does it mean? Joel
vs. Karl was kind of an internal thought of mine for a
while. When I was first getting to know Joel my thought
was "Well, I could hook up with him, or there's always
Karl", because I was and still am in the mood for a hookup
(which is something I am trying to get myself away from,
because you shouldn't desire or need something like
that...I haven't found a way to appease this feeling as of
yet). But then I realized it would ruin things with Joel
eventually, and it kinda turned to "either Karl or no
one"....evidently, it turned to Karl. But I was so uncool
about it and so unenchanting, that I now have a totally
uncool impression of myself. Which I think is why I just
flat out kissed Joel in my dream. Because I can't control
that sort of thing, it just happens. But I have the freedom
to ask, who do I want more, Joel or Karl....because I don't
have either of them. Then why, after "having" Joel in my
dream, do I still think about wanting Karl. Am I telling
myself that this is unhealthy? I think my problem is I am
starting to look for that right guy. But I'm not looking in
new people, I'm looking in the ones I already know. Which
isn't right, I don't think, because there is obviously
something about them or US that makes it unwanting. SO my
big question is what do I think of Joel. I don't think I'll
know this until we can be really good friends without me
thinking about myself around him. I can learn a lot from
him. I honestly don't know if I like him a lot, or dislike
him a lot but like the idea of being with him enough to
make me distort that dislike for like. But where is Nate in
all this? He is long gone.....I don't know why but he
doesn't want to be a part of my life. We haven't talked
since January........and it's now almost June. I would call
him and then he'd be talkative "Oh I've been meaning to
call....." bullshit. Online, he'd ignore me, rarely get
beyond me asking "how are you?". I sent him a very short
email yesterday for his birthday which was Sunday, and I am
very much hoping he will respond. I don't know what got
into him, but I wish I could find out. And I can't help but
think, this would never happen to Gloria. A person can't
just stop talking to Gloria, they want to continue talking
until the end of time. Oh I don't know. I suppose only time
can tell. hmmmmmmmm?