Meshed Up
2002-05-28 14:05:17 (UTC)


'life sucks but it's beautiful outside so it's all okay

the first lines she typed when i turned off the lights and
she stared at this black screen. it is beautiful outside. i
will not see this view anymore when i move to the new

the bump on my middle finger has lived for two to three
weeks already. it doesn't look natural. he said i should go
see a doctor. i hope it's not cancerous. my poor middle
finger. what if they decide to chop it off? no more quick
way to show your anger. ah the tragedy!

had a thought while i was taking a nice shower. i imagined
myself walking along a dark street and getting mugged. i
have a feeling i would break down and cry when i get back
home. i hope not. well i hope i won't get mugged and i hope
i won't cry. getting mugged is annoying. crying is useless.

my initial thought was that i would be extremely angry with
the mugger and swear to hunt him down and kill him one day.
but then it hit me that most people think other people hurt
them just for the fun of it. what if the mugger stole my
things simply because he needed them? because he has a
dying mother somewhere and he can't afford to pay for the
medicine and hospitalization?

if that was the case i would gladly give my entire bag to
him and hope his mother doesn't die. might even help him
steal other bags. what if humans are not as screwed up as i
think? what if underneath the scars and masks of anger lie
fragile souls longing to be loved?

i wish we weren't all so screwed up. wish i can press the
rewind button and erase unhappy memories. but there is an
upside to things. i am fragile but stronger. more cynical
with a razor sharp blade to dissect what i must dissect. i
forgot what it feels like to be alive but now i remember.


'i didn't have a very good day cuz i wasn't able to have
lunch with you.'

kids nowadays. sigh. breaks my heart.


cleave. to cling and to split at the same time. life is all
about cleaving. to attach and disattach at the same time.
life is so complicated and yet that is the only way we are
supposed to walk.

a ringing i dare not answer. i do not want anybody
destroying my solitude. time alone is precious. a search
for the soul and for things unknown.

'i think you are someone that has been really hurt. so hurt
that it hurts me somehow.'

yes i have been hurt and i still do hurt. but i know that
there are a lot of other people out there who have suffered
more than i have. it's selfish of me to think that i'm one
of the unluckiest people alive. sigh. perhaps i am one of
the luckiest people alive. after all, i have a roof above
my head, food in my tummy, and clothes to keep me warm
while winter comes crashing through.

everything exists in my head. if only i wasn't so screwed
up then maybe everything would've been easier on me.

well yeah i don't like to talk much. it's always nicer to
listen to what the other person thinks first.

'does anyone respect the nature of honesty nowadays? very
few. i can't believe that we lie so much that we believe we
are not going to drown in our own lies sooner or later.'

he wrote that in a black notebook which lies open before
me. i think the way he thinks and he thinks the way i
think. not totally, but very similarly. hidden messages in
blacks in websites.


the thought that people will walk in and out of my life and
forever and leave me saddens me. i do not want to lose the
people who i hold so close to my heart. i'll really miss
hanging out with them when the time comes to go our
separate ways. my melbourne friends. sigh.

half my life's in books written in ink, destroyed by
unwelcomed eyes. if i had only known.

i feel so depressed again. must be the song. sigh. people
like me should just jump off a building and rid themselves
and the people around them of their misery.