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2002-05-28 07:55:51 (UTC)

Gloria

I don't know what I want to happen next year. My roommate
has a very likely possibility that she will not be coming
back next year. In fact, I almost am counting on this fact.
I don't know what I really want at all. Actually, I am in
pain just thinking about this because it is a sore subject,
only I don't know why. I think it's because I am jealous of
her. The more I got to know her, and the more I saw of the
type of person she is, the purer and more interesting she
became. I don't know how she does it - everything about her
is moral and unique, and everybody likes her. My concern is
that I was never bored this semester only because she was
there for me so much, and we always found something to do.
So if she isn't there next year, any dull time I have I'll
sit there thinking it wouldn't have happened if Gloria was
here...and I don't want to be like that. A lot of it hurts
though; hearing how much everyone likes her and is going to
miss her. It makes me sad, and makes me wonder if I could
ever be like that...even though I know I can't. Karl is a
very sore subject on this matter as well.........why can't
I just be a normal person, why do I have to be all girly
and stupid about this kind of stuff. I have a feeling he is
in love with her. It hurts me to say it but they are so
great for each other. And it makes me hate the world. Maybe
not because it's Karl, I think just because I will never
have that. I am such a fake person, how am I supposed to
ever know when someone is right for me? And what do I
want!!! DO I want to be alone my whole life? DO I want to
get married? I wish I could figure any of this out before I
go running my mouth the way I always do. So that's it I
guess, I'm not sore about the two of them specifically, but
the idea of any two people. But grrr. Why do I still have
to like him after all this time? His attitudes toward me
are totally dependent on his mood, and I can never seem to
pick up on that in time. I need to get this whacked
perspective of life out of my head, and it doesn't help
being home. When Sharon and I were hanging out with Joel
last week, she actually turned to me and said, "We need to
have a major highlighting session". I thought she was
joking at first but she wasn't......and that is even
funnier. I don't know if she got girlier while we were
gone, or I just never noticed it before, but if someone at
school ever said that to me I would go into a hysterical
fit of laughter. She never has time for me either. How can
she expect me to be there for her through anything if she
doesn't have time for me in her life? It doesn't work that
way, and I am ready to give up trying. Why do I feel like
I'm the better person out of the two of us? SHe leads a
solid life, and she is and always will be a good person. I
just wish she could be more adventurous, and less
societized. So back to this Gloria issue.......if she comes
back to school, everything will be back to the way it was.
I will have my best friend back, it will be great. But I
started getting sick of how perfect she is, I don't know
what would happen over a more elongated period of time.
However, I feel like being away from her I am unable to be
that person I thought I had become this year.....almost
like I need her there to build it into my memory who I want
to be, because I DO want to be that person I had become. I
just lost a lot of it in a different setting. Wow that
sounds so incredibly fake of me. I hate myself sometimes.
But if she goes to Wisconsin, I am never going to hear the
end of "I miss Gloria"isms. And of course I will always
wonder what things would be like. But it might be a good
opportunity for me to really become my own person, and to
be out there on my own more. So I don't know what I want
her to do, I guess either way I will have my s and -s on
the issue. I'm not blind. I know she has made a big
difference in my life. I think I am just too bitter right
now to state this fact, even though I fully believe it.
There is nothing I am blind toward so don't even think it.
I know it all within my head, I just can't seem to get it
out. I can't say out loud that I will miss her, because
everyone else has said it already. Things will be
different, that's for sure. But I don't know what I want
yet. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see.




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