Alexander Dickson

My mental weaknesses

Current Song: "Creed - What If"

Here's the real core of my being exposed in all its
splendor. Well the weaknesses anyway. A physical attack on
me would prove futile, I'm fast enough to avoid most of my
weaknesses being exposed. Here goes.

People: I fear first contact higher than anything else I
know of. Stick me in a crowd of strangers and I'll just
stand there, unsure of what to do. Heaven forbid someone
actually talk to me, I'd run for my life. If a small group
of people are having a conversation and I'm involved,
contribution will be at a minimum.

Trust: some people might see this as a strength but not the
way I deal with it. I have to stances on trust: gullibly
naive or super suspicious, there's no happy medium for me.
Although I haven't had too many bad experiences due to
this, I have had the feeling I'm being used by people
before.

People pleaser: Being considerate of other people is nice
but you have to think of yourself as well, right? Well
guess who doesn't. I never thought about it that much until
Colin said it to my face. I'm not sure where this comes
from but it may be a fear of rejection. If I put myself
before anyone else, everyone if mystified by it. Although
I'd prefer not to be in contact with anyone, its a basic
human need and I can't resist a core part of being human
(I'll define what I consider being human when I get very
drunk, or very depressed, there's a 50/50 chance of each).

Rejection: As I mentioned above, I fear rejection.
Seriously. I'd rather go out of my way to have everyone
near me neutral than have a few good friends and have
people disliking me. This is what leads me to believe I'm
such a people pleaser. The two seem linked.

Trying: I never do anything to my full potential. I never
really understood why until I saw an episode of Pokemon (of
all things). I forget the episode name but it was the one
with the Pokemon Tech. School and the boy who was learning
about Pidgey. The kid didn't do his best because the other
students would ask even harder questions and make things
more difficult for him. I'm like that only I know about
Pidgeys and the other 150 original Pokemon. Its one of the
things I try my best at all the time. ANYWAY, what I mean
is that I only do enough to get by and nothing more because
people would expect so much more if I always did my best,
this way I don't have too much to be expected of me from
people. I like it that way, even if I appear to be the
least intellectual person in a group.

Forgetful: I have a terrible memory, unless a fact is
EXTREMELY interesting or is drilled into my head about a
dozen times, I'll forget it within a few minutes. This
seems to be especially true about important info. Trivial
facts I can remember for months after I leanr it even if I
don't think of it for a long time.

i think these are all the weaknesses I have (I'm sure there
are many more but forgetfulness is at work again, darn it.)
As always, if I remember any more then i'll put them down.