2002-05-28 04:47:40 (UTC)

got enough guilt to start my own religion

i think i feel a little better now... i had coffee with
dawn.. and i realized he probably doesnt even know i like
him cus i do act weird when i like people, especially in
this situation, im probably acting like a bitch... then,
it doesnt matter if he knows, cus if hes been with his
girl this long... i will forget it all. pointless.
then i went to the bookstore for a couple hours... thats my
alone, calm place.. and i wrote some stuf..i got a new book
and a book for my next scrapbook.. that was good... i did a
lot of thinking. and i feel healthy now, emotionally..
like its true what people say, you have to put yourself
first and live for yourself, be in control and the rest
will follow...
i met chaz for coffee... i think with claudia being with
jinks all the time, ive been expanding my horizons a lot,
im so used to being with just her all the time, and i miss
it, im still jealous about it.. but if shes happy... like
i feel like ive bonded a lot with gus, and thats good, hes
a really nice guy.. i havent talked to christina since
friday... but her parents are in town so its okay.. shes
going back to germany in a month.. how fucking bizarre. i
need to feel more productive with my life

i feel better tonight. i dont know if it was the being
alone, writing, reading and getting my mind off it, i cut
a little bit... whatever it is.. im getting too old for
this kind of shit... i cant carry these same patterns and
thoughts around forever... depression doesnt go away, it
just grows slowly, taking you over.. and all this drama is
just an attempt to fill the emptiness inside me... so
whatever works...