melange

plethora
2002-05-28 00:48:07 (UTC)

today was hell

she makes me feel terrible...today she was just cursing at
me, the usual, and then she said that i could "go and die."
that comment really hurt...today im so hurt words can't
explained...sometimes she makes me feel guilty to inhale
air...sometimes i wish if i ran into the damn towers, so i
wouldn't have to deal with my misery...
im already dead...soulfully..im internally dead...this
can't go on forever...i told v. today about how i
felt...and she concluded that her mother was better than
mine...i told her i have to get out of here, because it's
really unhealthy for my body and my mind. sometimes i wish
if i can snap my fingers and fast forward time..and i told
v. that my ultimatum would be to marry someone, so that he
can get me out of this...that's another alternative...the
#1 alternative--wait to graduate college and make some
money to live on my own
#2-after college, work OUT OF STATE, so that way i HAVE to
move out, and rent would be a LOT cheaper in any state but
NYC. plus im far away!! freedom!
#3 get married so i can out forever (even if i dont really
want to do it at the age of 21)

those are all the alternatives i have right
now...suggestions anyone????

im going to be 20 in 2 months...and 21 in 14 months...it
sucks i can't even have beer or hang out with friends and
get my legal drink for my 21st birthday..LIFE IS A BITCH
when your strings are pulled by your parents.

so today my brother tells my mom that im MAD because I
blame her for not having a social life......OOOH MY GOD...i
thought she was going to kill me with a butcher knife..so i
was helpless again, and i couldn't do anything, so i
covered it up and repressed my emotions by saying to my
brother: "don't put words in my mouth." what he told her
is the truth...im ANGRY because they are not allowing me to
live and have a healthy life, but who can i tell? i can't
change anything..unless i move out..which won't happen
unless my alternatives work out.

any suggestions out there...please tell me what you
think..is there anyone with my same problem?? help me..


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