2002-05-27 22:27:35 (UTC)

she must rinse this all away..

she cant hold anybody this way, she must rinse this all
away, she cant love him this way.

im so dramatic sometimes i make myself sick. todays not a
bad day, or a good day... i dont feel very alive today. i
went with my family to melbourne... not very exciting but i
never spend much time with them, and it made them happy.
it was alright because i had some time to think.. convince
myself its pointless and retarded to like him, remind
myself that matthew doesnt give a shit about me and i
should not have him around again, think of plans for the
summer and the rest of my life- the rest of my life, this
is my fucking big and empty in front of me, how
are some people so busy and lucky and find people that love
them and you know.. i dont want to think about it.
somewhere along the line i went way off track on the road
to a normal life and its too late now, i wont have all
that, and i shouldnt fall deeper into my sadness wishing i
could have it.
raul fucking called again. i dont know why, to ask why we
left yesterday without saying goodbye. fuck him. i didnt
really want to walk up and do the bullshit thing with them,
and "nice to meet you" horse shit with their girlfriends.
it wasnt nice to meet them and i dont have anything to say
to either raul or todd. I'd like to tell Raul i think hes
a fucking asshole, and tell todd i really like him but it
would do no good either way, so why talk to them at all?
anyway it pisses me off when he calls to bullshit around.
i dont understand people.
anyway. i dont feel like doing anything. i want to put up
my new website diary, but i cant find a good place. and it
seems like such a lot of work for nothing. i have been
writing so much lately, constantly, on everything napkins
and envelopes and papers at work, but for what, what good
does it do, no one reads it, and it is apparently not
making me feel much better.