sunluv88

The Sunshine Chronicles
2002-05-27 18:30:39 (UTC)

May 27, 2002 - allow me to intoduce myself

May 27, 2002. greetings to all! i am sunshine. i am 16 and
live in virginia. my plan with this diary is to document a
crucial point in my life, and to share it with others who
may share the same crisis. it is unnecessary to give you
my life's story, but in order to explain where i am now, i
believe it is imperative that i give some backround. i am
a former athlete. i had to give up my football career
after discovering i had a stress fracture in my spine.
this explains my physical ability. i am an actor and have
chosen the arts as my career. i love philosophy and all
things associated with enriching the mind. however, there
is always a dark side of the moon. for me, it is a deep
psychological trap. i was born with Tourette Syndrome, and
by definition i am therefore mentally disabled. for
someone with an IQ of 143 and a clearly demonstrated grasp
of many intellectual fields, this is a hard ghost to face.
this one insecurity led to many others in life as people
pushed me down time and time again. i still lack
confidence in anything other than my faith as a Unitarian.
i was always a proud child, so i convered up my anxiety
and insecurity. this was a horrible mistake. to make up
for it all, i used to imagine that i was in a moviem and
the happy ending was just around the corner. this
manipulation mutated and festered in my mind until i had a
hard time deciding where the movie ended, and reality
began. this spiral of psychological turmoil resulted in
many vices. i lied about anything i could just b/c it made
me feel better than the truth did. whenever i did a good
job, i boasted and bragged for months. i became self-
obsessed. i pushed away anyone who tried to prove me
wrong, and i pushed away the only people willing to help
me. all this twisted manipulation and sick thinking peaked
during the past year. everything came crashing down. the
greatest friend, and dearest love, of my life found out
about me. she hates me and never wants to speak to me
again. most of my school shares her opinion. everyone has
been slowly turning their backs. i am left with only two
definite friends at school, kat and pooja. i don't know
how long i can hold on to pooja, but i know that kat
[despite knowing me for only 9 months] believes in me. my
more long time friends have all had their small battles
with me this year, but we have both returned to close
friendship. overall, i have lost nearly everything i have
in this life. i lost most of my friends, my girlfriend,
the trust of my parents and teachers, and much of the
happiness i had. but now i've recognized that i have
brought it all upon myself. these are my problems, and the
only one out to get me is me. it's about damn time that i
turn my life around. with my church and my small band of
friends, i know that i don't have much. still, i firmly
believe that i have all i need. this is a time both
inspiring and frightening for me. i have to look withing
myself, and find who i am. i have to face all my demons.
in essence, i am about to travel to mental hell and back
again. i don't know what will happen, or just how i will
do it. all i have is support from a few individuals, and
the stubborn willpower to survive. these entries shall be
documented accounts of my journey........................




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