Lost and Searching
2002-05-27 17:47:10 (UTC)

How Do I Tell Him Goodbye

I still believe that I don't want everyone or hardly anyone
to know about my illness..I can't stand the pity looks,
the "Oh you better rest, and conserve your strength", or
the ones who you thought were your friends can't seem to be
around you b/c your not going to be around much longer,
and they don't want those depressing thoughts....But yet
there is one person who I am not sure if I tell him or not,
how he will understand or react....My older cousin, Nick,
by four years, is really close to me.....He was graduating
high school, when i was being promoted from eight grade,
and since we were both in track, well he always game me a
ride home. When i was at PSU, he would email me about
daily with just little stuff like the weather how he was
doing, to make sure i was taking care of myself..and not to
forget to call our grandparents...I hate to say it but he
has been there more time for us girls than i think we have
been for him...For his high school graduation, i found a
picture of him when us girls were really little, and he had
us all on the three wheeler in a line, and another photo of
us on the old small tractor we used to have......

For the last couple of months I have been doing alright,
nothing out of the normal has happened,and in general i am
having fun in life...But since last monday it has been
cold, windy, and rainy...something that I can't deal with
to well right at the moment...the cold and the chill just
seem to get into my bones and sucks the life out of me...My
active window, when i am the most awake and alert, has been
cut short,so from like nine thirty to four, i can do just
about anything, then after that i am freaking tired and
grouchy as hell......

I love Nick, dearly, and lord I don't want to do anything
in this world, that will cause him to worry about me, b/c
he has enough on his load...but on wednesday, i didn't
answer my phone when he called to see where I was or how my
ankle was doing, so when i didn't answer he came
over..walked into my room, and tried to wake me up..I was
so freaking tired and drugged out, that it took him forever
and he ended pouring water on my face..I woke up sputtering
and yelling, because it shocked the hell out of me....He
was upset but I could see it in his eyes that he was scared
also.....He wanted to know what i had done the night
before..had i taken drugs..drunk to much..I couldnt' tell
him that I was in freaking pain, to a pain killer, that I
hate b/c it knocks me out for like days....I have my pills
on my head board..and he saw them..there they were lined up
in a row all neat..He reached down to pick one up but i
stopped him before he could get it... I told him to forget
what he had seen...he wanted to know why...
He looked at me, and i couldn't answer him...for once in my
life i let him down.....I couldn't be honest with him...I
then asked him to leave...He kept asking me why couldn't i
tell him...i had always been honest with him, and what was
different now........All I could say was leave....Finally
he did but not without making me promise him that i will
eventually tell him...

After he left I called my mother to come over, when she did
I cried like crazy...and then she helped me to breath with
my damn neubilizer, b/c i was so upset...

It is now memorial day, and i still haven't told him, i
keep avoiding him, getting to the farm before he does, and
then leaving on chores, i keep eating dinner at home,and i
show up when i need to get something else to work on...he
keeps calling but thank god for caller id, i just listen to
the messages......

Tell me how do i tell him, that i may die before his four
month old baby, learns to walk........................