Pure, White and Cold
2001-06-12 07:34:29 (UTC)

Behold, the Void... Behind, the Light

Okay, a quicky.

I have assignments due tomorrow. got really depressed on
Sunday because "you're so selfish, you know." Well sorry!

That's the thing that really upset me. no one ever notices
if you're good but everyone points out when you're bad.
It's like that thing I read somewhere... "you do a thousand
good deeds and no one cares, but you make one mistake and
everyone sees."

That's just so unfair! Is life like that? If so, then why
do people always says "do the right thing" (and I don't
mean things like throwing away the rubbish) but they never
notice it even if you do.
I mean, I tried, God knows that I tried! I tried my bloody
hardest, but I make one tiny error: "*groan* can we go home
now?" and someone says I'm selfish. Hey, look here, you SOB
I've waited for an hour already without making one bloody
comment, I'm hungry, tired and bored, can you blame me?
They were talking about programming crap!!! Come on!! You
can do that at HOME!!! In the WARM!!!!!!!!! While I'm
SLEEPING!!!!!!!! or EATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But it really pissed me off. If life is going to be like
that (i.e. a bastard) then I don't see why I have to try at
all. It's all pointless and some jackass will blame you for
anything anyway. I know I'm never going to say that to
anyone and demoralized them like that. Everything I do is
worthless and adds up to nothing. I'm pathetic and I'm a
failure. Why strive to continue doing anything that will
end up as nothing anyway? And it was after the exams too. I
spent every bloody hour of every bloody day studying. For
what? To please my stupid bloodly family and this is how
they show that they're proud. "You're so (bloody) selfish."
I'm bloody pissed. Ofcourse I'm bloody pissed! And then
they ignore me for the next two hours, and don't notice
when I sink into suicidal depression!!!! Finally, I snap
and end up crying on the BLOODY table and then they
notice; "oh, what's the matter? you can tell us, We love
you. You're the best little sister in the whole (bloody)
Oh, so when I'm about to kill myself then they start
praising me. I'm dying of self-hate and guilt and that
horrible feeling of worthlessness and they don't even know
what's wrong. "She's just growing up. It's all puberty or
whatever shit" Yeah right.

Exactly my point, you do little things for people and
they'll never see it and then you get hurt and they don't
understand why. I don't expect for everyone to notice
everything people do for one another, that's just
impossible, but it's nice to be praised once in a while
without asking for it.