camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-05-27 11:06:31 (UTC)

dug up memories

yeah i am a bit pissed. what a way to end a good day. i
seriously seriously wish i live alone. solitude has always
been something that i longed for. ever since i was young, i
wished with all my heart that i was alone. i dreamt of
moving out of the house and getting away from family since
i was ten and intensified when i was twelve. well now here
i am in melbourne. away from family but stuck with my
sister. you can never win them all.

i remember looking out the window one clear morning when i
was eight years old. my grandfather owned a beautiful
apartment in hong kong and i sat there in one of the rooms
and stared out. it was on the 14th floor. the view was
breath-taking. boats sailed about in the body of water that
separated hong kong island from kowloon. it seemed so
peaceful compared to the busy streets and the people who
constantly bumped into you when you walk. i was calmed
instantly and opened the window to take a wisp of the fresh
breeze. i sat down, held a pen in my hand and wished that i
could write something that could capture its beauty
forever. but i couldn't. until now i don't know how to put
into words the feelings that the scene stirred within me. i
was so inspired and yet so frustrated. i can still remember
how i felt although i don't know exactly what it is.

i cried many times while staying there because of the
people around me. i cried so much that i woke up one
morning with my eyes swollen shut and i had to go see a
doctor. he gave me medications and after a few weeks my
eyes were all right.

each time i cried, i would run to that room, lock myself
up, and open the windows to take in the air. my heart was
calmed and my tears stopped. but after leaving the room,
the tears would come again.

i think i'm naturally a crybaby who gets easily offended
with many things. i'm still the eight year old who cried
after being bullied. i'm still the eight year old who once
climbed out of the window, stood on a ledge, dropped a
yakult bottle and looked straight down to see how long it
would take before i would hear the clunk of the yakult
bottle hitting the floor. before and after. the only
difference now is that i know that publicly displaying your
emotions isn't good. all for the sake of harmony. sacrifice
freedom for the good of the community. individualism is so
selfish.


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