Unholy and Dirty and Beautiful Me
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2001-06-12 06:34:39 (UTC)


That last entry was something that needed to be it's own
thing. I really was affected by the event, and the entire
time I wasn't writing these past weeks I was
thinking "Geez.....lookit the way I was envying those kids
for being lucky that night.....damn..." and if you read
that one you'll understand what I mean.

So, update on me. Boring. Same old really..

The other day AK told me CG was dating some new chick so
that snuffed out any dwindling hopes remaining within me
that anything could ever happen.

Partied with DD last weekend. Not bad. But stirred the
embers I've always burned for the lost boy. Found myself
thinking about him all week. Not that I've mentioned it to
anyone, I did however get a bit teary eyed during some
conversation relating to it with Mom a few days back.

Would you like to know how ((GUTLESS)) I really am. Two things. DD
telling me he's gonna kill CG for getting BD in shit with the law
again. And I wanted to cry when I shoulda just been cool or maybe
even told DD off, even though I think CG deserves it. Also, KW had
the nerve to look me in the eye and say (about DD) "Well he was good
[in bed] wasn't he?". All I could say was "we're not going to talk
about this". Since we're supposed to be friends or something, never
mind that I was with him for 3 yrs and they just used eachother for
sex after DD & I broke up.

Gotta stop thinking about my past defeats. Not good for me
at all. Moving forward, slowly.

I think I made a mistake when I gave my cell #s to this
guy PT the other day. He seemed a little clingy at a party
a few weeks back, yet I still handed him my number when I
ran into him at the bank and he's called me everyday since,
sometimes more than once. Over-eager? Not cool. He's not
even attractive to me either which kind of makes me feel
bad now, but I try to be nice.

Shouldn't try to be nice. Hasn't gained me a thing so far
in life, just a rep. for being sweet. Useless.


"What do you think they would say if I stood up and I
walked away? Nobody here really understands me. So I wave
goodbye and I'm fine." ~Shannon Hoon


Anyways, I love reading your diaries too so I'll go do
that now while I finish this beer. Then it's off to bed for


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