2002-05-27 05:43:00 (UTC)

its not a habit, its cool, i feel alive..

im not an addict..maybe thats a lie..

yeah.. yesterday i worked... todd was there.. whatever. i
feel so fucking stupid for liking him. and i dont know how
to play games and pretend to be nice. i hate people, i
dont understand them. anyway last night i went to the club
with dawn sebastien and allison. it was fun. i havent
chilled with sebastien in a while and i mean, of course i
havent seen alli in like 2 years.. we got along and that
was nice.. we stopped at jason and pauls and i saw chaz=)
matt called... im not sure why but im not happy with him
tonight so... yeah the drag queen Carmella was making fun
of me she was like "sooo.... ricki lake episode....My
daughter's a 14-year-old stripper." lol. it was funny i
guess... whatever... today i went with claudia and her girl
to this thing with work people at paul's house... it was
okay except im beginning to feel like such an alcoholic...
i was on my 4th beer by 4PM. and tonight i went to gus's
and we had a few shots of tequila but then i came home... i
got a new barbell for my tongue, it has little stones on
the ball. its pretty. i liked this one with like spikish
things and stuf but really, when is that going to be
coming in useful anytime soon? this isnt a very sexully
charged time for me, im not feeling it.. i think its cus im
looking more emotionally - of course i may NEVER fucking
find that again. yeah so speaking of people sucking, todd
and his asshole friend raul were there today with their
girlfriends. that made me feel bad.. first of all i want
to punch raul in the face... and then the obvious. fuck.
todds girlfriend wasnt very pretty but who am i to judge? im
trying to keep my mind off of it altogether.. im even resorting to
bringing matthew back around cus i know how nothing matters
but him when hes in my life, but thats no good for me
either. i fucking miss him though. sometimes its just so
much, and i dont know why i bother at all.... nothing will
ever change... matts right its ME, i wont be any happier
ever.. and i cant always be drunk or fucked up to not
think.. sometimes i wonder what percent of my skin will be
scars by the time im older.. i need to sleep..