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2002-05-27 05:06:16 (UTC)

Sunday, May 26th (1143 pm)

Okay, I feel like writing again.
This is what I am thinking right now. I am very proud of
myself because of the way I feel or maybe not feel at all
for Justin. It was a pride thing for sure. I feel better
abuot myself now that I can let him come to me and not me
go after him all the time. That's the secret! I got it! I
knew this whole time that the best way with Justin is make
him work. But now it doesn't matter anymore anyways. There
is no feeling, nothing for him anymore. He doesn't make
butterflies swirm in my tummy. He really never did. It was
more of a physical attraction. Now that I have a glimpse
of what it is to be close to a man, to have sex and to
sleep with them throughout the night, I think that I know
that it is something that I don't value right now. I lost
my virginity and let it be that way. It's a learning
experience and I do not want to regret it. NO regrets!
Last night I caught him staring at me. Maybe I'm right,
maybe I am wrong. Either way, I know that in this
relationship there was a healthy breakup for the better.
The better of both of us. He did not win, he did not lose.
He gets what he wants. He can party, drink, get high, and
maybe even get some booty. I on the other hand, can keep
my stardards high as they were, at least for a while. I
can move on to someone that will love me for what I am,
what I want to be and what I will be. Someone that will
not care about how much I can be like mom. There are two
men in my life that made a difference, a good learning
experience. Elijah and Justin. Elijah was more emotional.
Justin was more physical. Then they both ended in a mental
realization that too much emotion hurts the heart and too
much physical attraction hurts the body. There needs to be
a mutual respect for a combination of both. Emotional
attachment and physical attraction has to come down to
a "middle way". The man that can walk with me in that that
way is the man for me. It's not time yet, and I will wait
patiently. Knowing that God will send that man in my life
at the right time and the right way. In the end,
everything is roses and chocolate.

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