nfinite empyrean

sunshine
2001-06-12 04:28:29 (UTC)

time to reflect

well now i have time to really talk about all the shit that
has been going on in my life....i don't know why i am the
way i am...i am so darn confused between logic and
emotions....logically i know the only reason why i am
clinging on to him is because of my fear of being
alone...and that i want to be part of a family...but
emotionally i keep telling myself that it has nothing to do
with him having feelings for someone else and i really do
love him and i think we can be together....i know
better...i know that we are not compatable...i know that we
would never be because we are not willing to give up what
makes us who we are ...i just wish like hell that he was
the one for me...i really really liked him....but he had to
go and hurt me....i understand he says that i hurt him
first but love is not tit for tat...now i think about all
the things we could have done differently and now i find
myself trying to find someone with some of the
characteristics as him....but i am not really interested in
anyone anymore...as much as i want to get back out into the
field i get this yucky feeling in my tummy that makes me
close myself to everyone that tries to get close to me...i
mean i think about the sex ...how i thought i really wasn't
into it but now i miss it ...i miss being so darn freaky
with him...i miss the role playing and the strip tease..i
never stripped like i wanted to for him...i think about him
constantly but i don't know if it is him i am thinking
about or thinking about the relationship....i want to tell
myself that i loved him, and was not in love with being in
love....but i don't know....he is so darn great but i don't
know if i was just trying to make it work...he always told
me that i loved love more than i loved him and maybe that
is so...


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