Faerie Onyx

Confusing Problems

I love the person that I'm with, but lately things have
gotten boring and predictable. He and I never get to see
one another, and on this long weekend, he is at his dad's
house doing yardwork. I didn't get to talk to him
yesterday, and I got to hear him say that he's digging a
ditch and he can't talk today. Last night another boy was
talking to me, and he is very sweet, but I'm not sure if I
like him, and I'm definitely not sure if I'm ready to leave
my boyfriend for him. What's more, another young man, my
ex fiance, told me he still loved me last night. I don't
know what to do, I don't want to hurt any of these sweet
guys... I'm just hoping I don't get suicidal again. I'm
trying to quit smoking, but it's so difficult because when
things go wrong I get the overpowering urge to take a knife
or a razorblade to my wrists, and the only way I can
overcome that urge is to start cutting my wrists, which is
even more addictive than the cigarettes. I can also smoke
a cigarette or two, which helps calm me down immediately
and also relieves the urge to cut my wrists.

Yesterday morning I was noticing how blue the sky was and
how immortal it seems, and I caught a glimpse of my arm. I
felt so horrible. I will have scars on my arm for the rest
of my life because of my stupidity and lack of coping
skills. I have resolved to never do that again, ever. It
is so idiotic, immature, and manipulative, and more than
that, it hurts others. Once things start going wrong, it
seems that things start to go in a downward spiral. Or
once things seem to get better something happens to tear it
all down again, but now I understand that vicious cycle and
I simply refuse to fall prey to it again. Now I just smoke
my troubles away and they seem to leave me as the smoke
leaves my mouth and nose. I found out last night that when
I turned away when my boyfriend was pushing the girl off of
him, he actually kissed her. Now I feel as though I can't
trust him. I tried to pretend that I didn't see his lips
trying to decide what to do, that's why I wanted to see
what he would do. I need to go for a walk and smoke a
cigarette. I feel so depressed. I know that when the
smoke fills my lungs, the pain I'm feeling will lessen and
I will be ready to face the world again with my usual
bitchy self as opposed to the weepy person I am right now.
I seem to just want to break down and cry at every
opportunity, and at many I have had tears spill from my
eyes. I just don't understand why I can't see the bright
side of things when things start to go wrong.