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2001-06-12 02:06:54 (UTC)

12/06/01 - 11:55AM

Just a quick note, only because the evil diary is emailing
me to tell me I have not written, well d'uh!!

I am back from my trip, had a really good weekend with my
boyfriend up there, and I hoped and prayed the whole time
that I would be able to see a future for us, but no such
luck! So I will be looking for a new place to live, anyone
willing to take in a 22 year old girl and her 3 felines,
drop me a note!! LOL....

Seriously... it will be hard but I am starting to be pretty
sure I am strong enough to make this huge leap into the
unknown. I know how much support I will get from my friends
and the members of my family who count.

I have been thinking a lot lately. My friend Rose (the
culprit reponsible for me writing this!) wrote a lengthy
entry the other day about suicide and options. I have not
seriously considered that option myself in, I think I
worked it out to about 7 years. I have threatened, and
contemplated, but I have not actually thought of it as an
option since I was about 15. I use that time now to bring
myself into a reality check whenever I am so depressed I
cannot fathom life.

I look back.

7 years ago, I was "in love" with a guy who slept with
anything that moved, except me, I was strong enough to say
no! I was fighting with every family member I had, I was
arguing with my friends, and I wanted to die. I cannot
count the number of times I sat with knife in hand tracing
veins. Looking back now, I remember the agony, I remember
the heartache, I remember the reasons, but I cannot
comprehend suicide as a solution, what was I thinking? I
played games with myself, if one friend rings in the next
24 hours, I know that it is not worth. I would be mixed up
inside, please let someone ring, I don't want to do this,
or please let them all forget me, I want this to be over. I
though if my mum hugged me just once, I could live. Then
when she tried I screamed at her. But the attempt was there
so I lived.

I lived through it all, I grew strong off the pain, and now
I feel like I can handle this life, no matter what it
throws at me. I will never hurt people close to me by
taking the easy road. I will toil, I will face trials, I
will cry, endlessly over some things. But I will live.

I am strong. I am me. I will love myself, even when no one
else does.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"All men may be born equal, but that does not mean
identical" - W.G.P.


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