poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2002-05-26 02:41:33 (UTC)

Wish somebody'd warned me ...

Would it had made a difference? I don't know. Who's
really to hindsite is what it is, especially in the case of
raising a child. When they say what goes around, comes
around, they really aren't kidding, so anybody reading this
really better take care of all they say and do to others -
especially when it comes to teens with their parents.

I hurt my parents though I didn't mean to and they didn't
deserve it. I wasn't really a bad kid, I mean I didn't
take drugs or drink or do anything drastic other than try
to kill myself a couple of times. I was just a miserable
kid with terribly low self esteem. My real mother didn't
want me, but the mother and father who adopted me wanted me
and loved me and tried to make that clear, but nothing they
did mattered. I lived in a nice home, had nice clothes,
wasn't abused, went to a good school ... my mother was
involved in everything and very family oriented, but I was
ungrateful and unappreciative of everything. I just wanted
OUT and at the age of 15 I got my wish. And in this case
HINDSITE IS WHAT THEY SAY IT IS. If only I could change
this part of my life, but I can't and here I am today.

A 34 year old single mom with a daughter - a daughter on
the verge of being a teenager and I'm getting more than I
ever bargained for! Now the shoe's on the other foot and
I'm not liking it one bit. I don't understand her, really
I don't and it hurts like hell! Sometimes I try to
remember being young and going through the changes she's
going through, wanting to my freedom and independence ...
but then her age blocks any sense of reasoning I may come
close to. She's 11 DAMN IT! ELEVEN YEARS OLD! WHO THE
HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS ... TALKING to me the way she
does, looking at me the way she does, acting the way she
does ... WHO THE DAMN HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?

I try to do right by her, but she is freakin' ungrateful!
I've been doing everything to control my temper lately and
we haven't had a big fight for over a week, but today blew
that all out of the water! She wanted to go to the mall to
get a new pair of pants and I took her, despite the fact
that I'm broke as hell ... I took her and said we would
look around. What a stupid mistake that was! Going to the
mall with her stopped being fun years ago, but I hold on to
my hopes that maybe we could have a good time ... stupid,
stupid me!

She wants her pants ... and all the pants these days are so
damn low! The girls look like sluts! It's disgusting!
And not only do I not like having my little girl dress like
a slut, but neither does Harry! It's bad enough I have to
deal with Chantelle, but on top of it, Harry! Harry
getting on my case about me ALLOWING my daughter to wear
what she does, as if it's my fault that all the pants in
nearly every store are getting lower and lower every
minute! He just doesn't get it!

Chantelle gets pissed off at me because I get on her case
about looking decent and respectful and Harry gets on my
case about me not doing more to make her look decent and
respectful. I'm sick of it!

So we had a shitty afternoon at the mall - Chantelle
walking around with her face down on the ground, wearing
her negative nasty attitude like a grand cloak of royalty.
She didn't like what I was picking out and I didn't like
what she was picking out. She finally broke the last straw
by giving me lip in the dressing room of Sears. The way
she talks to me is just so hurtful and ugly, but I held my
tongue and simply walked out.

When we first got there, she had tried on a pair of DICKIES
that fit her good and weren't that low, but she wanted to
see what else there was at another store FOREVER 21. I
knew she wasn't going to find anything there because though
I like the store, they mostly carry very feminine clothes
and super low pants which I definitely wasn't going for.
We initially planned on coming back to get the DICKIES if
she didn't find anything else. But because of her attitude
at SEARS, we just left the mall - SANS a pair of new pants -
and she cried all the way to the car as she walked 200
paces ahead of me with her head down and her hair in her
face to shield the tears.

I felt bad, but I held my tongue and I held my ground.
When we got in the car, I said a few words because I had to
and of course that got her started with her TALK BACK. I
continued to try and maintain my calm. But everything went
really wrong a few minutes later when I stupidly thought a
new hamster might cheer her up.

PETCO was supposed to be the second to last stop before we
went home. VONS was going to be the last so I could get
some food for dinner. I went into PETCO ALONE because
Little Miss didn't want to get out of the car and I wasn't
about to force her. I went in to buy bedding for Trixie,
and as I was going by the hamsters I thought maybe a new
one would cheer her up because she'd asked before and I
told her 'No'.

I picked a cute tan one out and was all happy with myself.
What a clueless idiot! I get out to the car with a stupid
grin on my face, hand the box to her and say, 'Look, it's
for you ...' and she keeps on asking, 'What is it?' I told
her to open up the box and she did and she just looked at
the hamster. I said, 'Isn't she cute?' I told her she
could name her. But all she did was give the poor thing a
look of contempt and disgust.

As we're pulling out of the parking lot, I was pretty
peeved by this time and having a very hard time controlling
my temper. She tells me that what she wanted was a pair of
pants not another hamster, another RESPONSIBLITY! So, I go
back to the store - which was a bit of an inconvenience
since I was already headed home. I decided that if she
didn't want it, she wasn't going to have it. I wasn't
about to subject the poor animal to living in an
environment where she wasn't wanted. Chantelle said she's
been waiting for TRIXIE to die because she's tired of
cleaning up after it. She said it doesn't do anything and
it's not good for anything and when she said that I
immediately made up my mind that we weren't going to keep
the new one.

When we got back to the pet store, all the while Chantelle
asking where we were going and me telling her it was none
of her concern, the big fight ensued. She wouldn't give me
the box with the hamster in it. It was on her side of the
car by her feet and she wouldn't let go of it. She grabbed
my arm to make me let go of her arm and it was a wrestling
match in the car in the middle of the damn parking lot!
Finally, I got it away from her and when I did she jumped
out of the car, slamming the door behind her and went
running across the parking lot. I let her go as I went
into the pet store to return the hamster. I kept an eye on
her through the plate glass window of the store and she
walked to the end of the parking lot and then came back and
stood behind a column in front of the store next to the pet
store.

After I finished getting my refund, I went out to the car,
got into the car, started the car, and proceeded to drive
off - albeit slowly - when she saw me leaving she then made
her way over to the car with a huge shit eating grin on her
face.

As we drove home we had a gigantic screaming match over her
attitude and the events of the afternoon, which she thought
were all my fault because I didn't buy her a pair of
pants. The things she said and the way she was talking to
me pissed me off even more so I slapped her and threw my
ice tea at her. My mom used to throw her glasses of water
at me all the time when I pissed her off, but this was the
first time I ever did anything like that to Chantelle.
Usually I just slap her mouth when she talks back, but this
time I just was so damn angry and it was in my hand so I
threw at it her. She deserved it!

So, I never made it to Vons ... and I called Harry to tell
him it might be better for him not to come over tonight.
Of course, he immediately knew the reason why and now he's
involved which I really didn't want because it just makes
things worse between Chantelle and me. He asked what the
problem was this time and I just told him that everything
had been fine, she had done her chores with no problem,
then suddenly out of the blue she put on her famous
downtrodden face and I asked her what was wrong and then
she responded negatively and I threw my glass of water in
her face. I feel the need to protect her, but at the same
time I feel I need him on my side. I'm just so torn and
I'm so damn sick and tired of all this crap with Chantelle.

She says to me what does she have to be grateful for? A
room of her own, 6 or 7 pairs of pants and decent shirts to
go with all of them (just because she chooses to wear only
THREE pairs of those pants IS NOT MY FAULT!) ... shoes on
her feet (shoes that SHE CHOSE!) ... a roof over head, food
in her stomach, a playstation, a stereo ... a compact CD
player with carrying case ... color television to watch ...
a mother who loves her ... a grandfather and aunts who love
and care about her ... WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL
FOR, you tell me!!!

And such is my life! Really ... is it any wonder I miss
the adorable, sweet, innocent, loving little girl of
yesteryear? Is it any wonder I don't yearn for that warm,
little mass of baby fat and baby teeth and baby words ...
that curious little being who clung to me at any given time
of day ... that wonderous beautiful little angel who called
me MOMMY and made me feel like the center of her world ...
is it any wonder I'm not left with a huge gaping emptiness
in the depth of my inner most being ... a gigantic question
mark, asking every hour, every day practically, WHO IS THIS
UNHAPPY, ANGRY YOUNG FEMALE PERSON THAT STEPPED IN AND TOOK
THE PLACE MY PRECIOUS BABY GIRL? WHO IS SHE AND WHAT DOES
SHE WANT FROM ME?

She doesn't seem to want my love, my advice, my thoughts,
my discipline, my sacrifices ... she doesn't want my
company or my time or my kindness or anger or affection ...
I'm simply a thing that needs to be avoided at all cost ...
needs to be hurdled, ran away from, argued with,
disrespected and disregarded ... and it hurts so bad
because all I want to do is love her. Is this what I did
to my mom? Did I make her suffer the same pain? Probably
worse ... leaving home, getting married to man 12 years
older than myself ... getting emancipated with the help of
her own brother. Oh how I must have hurt her.

Now, Chantelle comes in here and gives me a hug. Asking me
if I'm still mad at her. Part of me wants to hug her back,
but the other part of me still so very angry and confused.
I just don't know what to do anymore. She has to know that
I'm a human being and its' simply not ok to behave the way
she does.

Alright, enough for now. I've gotta go clean the kitchen.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT
CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE
WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

Ciao for now


PS: I really wanted to see Harry tonight. He's been being
so helpful lately and I love him more and more everyday.
He may come over late tonight ... I told him to come
late ... we'll see what happens.




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