2001-06-11 22:33:25 (UTC)

What's the Point of Living if There's Nothing to Live For?

Emotion: Scared
Diary Log: #6
Reality Check: Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess
I'll go eat worms, big fat juicy ones, long thin slimy
ones... (know that song?)
Prior Entry: Question
Thinking Of: I can't wait to see the Real World thing on
the 19th
Who’s online: Emma, Paula, and two other people(forgot
their names :x)
Word of the Day: FREAK (FREEK) n. 1. an odd notion; whim 2.
an unusual happening 3. ANY ABNORMAL animal, PERSON, or
plant 4. [Slang] a) a drug user b) a devotee; buff --adj.

Why are those in caps? Because they describe me.
Therefore, I want them to stick out. I'm sure everyone
agrees with me, right? No one cares. My offline friends
think I'm stupid, my online friends don't know me well
enough to judge me(well, Pat might, I tell him quite a bit
of crap), my family doesn't give a sh*t, and I give up.
Before you go on, I want you to know something: I AM
****NOT**** A CUTTER, I just needed to do something about
this crap. I did cut myself though. Call me a cutter if you
like, but NORMALLY I'm not a cutter. Okay, I'm supposedly
this 'happy' girl. HA! That's what my 'friends' think!
HA!!! They don't know me at all, they really don't. I don't
tell people I know my problems, I tell them to online
people because I believe I can trust people online better
than I can offline. I'm an anti-social b*tch in otherwords.
Anyway back to what I was saying...I was looking for some
batteries and I found this pocket knife, I asked to keep
it. My stepdad said yes, BIG mistake! I was sharpening the
blade outside and carving on stuff, pretty soon I became
bored and came inside. I put the knife in my pocket and
headed strait for the fridge(what's new? And I really am,
unfortunately, only 101lbs people so eating a lot obviously
doesn't effect me). Later, I was thinkin about stuff and I
got online to talk to someone. Pat was on so I was talkin
to him. I asked if he thought it would be bad if I cut
myself. He said 'absolutely' so I was like 'why?'
Pat: cuz u shouldnt
Pat: y do u want too
Koul tshik: i dunno, cuz life sux
Pat: y
Koul tshik: everything is just p*ssin me off right now
Pat: it'll get better(HA!)
Koul tshik: maybe
Pat: iyt wiil
Pat: it will*(HA! AND HA AGAIN!)
Koul tshik: i doubt it, but i guess it's possible
Pat: it will(WILL NOT!)
Koul tshik: i wish i was 18, then i could just move and
leave everything and start over..i don't think i can wait 4
more years
Pat: oh(OH?)
Koul tshik: people suck
Then I talked to a couple other people and...that's when I
did it. I was upset, I didn't know what to do, so I cut
myself with the pocket knife. I just barely broke the skin,
but it's still a cut. I didn't do it on a vain cuz I didn't
really want to bleed much (which is like the whole point of
cutting so that would make me not a cutter...right? or no?)
cuz I can't stand the sight of a lot of blood. I have a
scab, so I obviously did bleed a little bit. the cut kinda
looked like...a big bee sting. Ya know? How it's just a red
spot, not really bloody. Well, now I'm gonna write why I'm
scared. Earlier I lost my knife for about five minutes. I
started to panic. That's not a normal reaction, ya know? I
got creeped out because I panicked. It was just on the
floor! I'm scared that I'm going to become a cutter because
I was panicking. I'm not saying i have anything against
cutters, I just know it's not right( I don't mean weird, I
mean unhealthy).