the life of me
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2002-05-24 22:27:57 (UTC)

may 20, 2002

you ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach from
being so upset you just wanna throw up? i have that feeling
right now. i had this solo. my all time FAVORITE song...
and now, it's gone. it was stolen. mr. woods (my choir
director) gave me this song called "On My Own" from Les
Miserables. i swear it's like it was written exactly for
me. it's my EXACT feelings written into a song... and it
made me feel so worthy when i sang it. like i was really
good. and then today he tells me that he's giving it to
someone else. and get this... it's wendy. yea, that's right
wendy 'i can't sing worth snot' i burst out into tears when
she sang it tonight. i wanted to run off the stage... i
wanted to punch her in the face and sing it for myself. but
i didn't. i sat there and buried my head in my lap. lauryn
knew i was upset, she always does. she comforted me, and
everyone said it was totally jacked that i got my solo
taken from me. i just feel so burned. i worked SO HARD on
that song. i mean, i've never wanted to sing something in
public so bad, and here comes little miss suck up, and
suddenly the thing i worked my ASS OFF for is GONE! my
grandma's even coming tomorrow. and what for? to see me
suck and sing 'send in the clowns.' i HATE that song! i
HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!! i just wanna cry. i have,
and i will again. but still. GRRRRR! i've never been so
pissed off in my entire life. i'd give ANYTHING to sing 'on
my own' tomorrow night. i guess part of me thought that if
i sang it good enough, and russy heard it... he'd see the
pain i'm in. but now he'll never know. i'll never have the
guts to SAY it to him. but that song said everything i'm
too afraid to say. 'without him i feel his arms around me,
and when i lose my way i close my eyes and he has found
me.' 'without me his world will go on turning. a world
that's full of happiness that i have never known. i love
him i love him i love him but only on my own.' *sigh* i'll
never get to sing it for him. and i feel like shit for it!