Meshed Up
2002-05-24 16:07:50 (UTC)


people who are full of themselves irritate me. people who
display their popularity so vulgarly just annoy me. i hate
people who are full of themselves.

it was cold today. cold and dark. a guy sang and he was
wonderful. he could imitate the sound of a saxophone by
just using his mouth. the way he sung love songs melted my

i wish i could write my own songs and sing.

the night is clear and dotted with stars. the moon is full.
i feel like shit.

i think i need sleep.

'meet me in outer space...we could spend the night, watch
the earth come up...'

sometimes i need a break from reality. sometimes i wish i
could just hide inside myself, hide inside my own little

i had a fun night. but i still feel like crap. is it
because things get under my skin too easily? living hurts
me. seeing the way people are hurts me. seeing myself hurts
me as well. i don't understand...for some reason, i
just...can't take it.

'my picture looks always...'

my picture looks horrible too. sometimes you just stare at
yourself and think, 'my god am i really that ugly?' and yet
sometimes you think, 'i don't look too bad.' but
yeah...well today, i feel ugly. dammit. low self-esteems
are annoying but i think it helps keep me in check.

i used to think highly of myself many many years ago.
sometimes i think it's cuz i come from a very proud family.
but it wasn't from them. there was no one to blame but me.
myself. my ego destroyed me. i was too blunt. too up
myself. i lost everything. it was the first time i was
spurned and rejected. it was painful. left me confused and
puzzled...i didn't know what the problem was. took me years
to figure it out and yes it wasn't them. it was me.
everytime i look back, i feel pain and sadness. remorse.
i'm sorry for all the things that i have done.

'my problems are big cuz they're mine...'

sometimes i just wanna be left alone. i don't wanna be
criticized even though i am living a life that is
wrong...even though i am living a lie. have always been and
probably will always do. nothing is real.

i know i have to grow up. i don't know if i'm really stuck
or if i just refuse to climb out. i know i have to learn to
accept criticisms even when i'm in a very bad mood. i think
i can take criticisms though. sometimes they break me but
sometimes i accept them with my head held high. it all
depends on how the person says it. i smile, nod, and
pretend it doesn't affect me. 'constructive
criticism'...whatever that means.

wish i can live life without a care in the world. sometimes
i wish i was never created. could've made everything
easier. i never would've existed. difficult to imagine's possible. it's selfish of me to think about it
that way...but still. not everything is within my control.

'don't let the world bring you down...not everyone here is
that fucked up and cold...'

i can't help it. perhaps that is what's wrong with me. i
see the bad side in everything.

i wanna bury myself in sleep. i just wish we would stop
judging each other simply because we're all different.

2.02am -- sleep beckons.