wanderlustinglove

A Quiet Desperation
2002-05-23 08:24:38 (UTC)

I May be Nothing but Another Somebody

My mind can no longer be silenced. "BIG FAT WHORE, BIG FAT
WHORE," I hear the devout fans of Jerry Springer scream by
default. So I take a few more sips of my melted chocolate
milk shake from Burger King *All Rights Reserved*. I can no
longer follow simple directions...I lack the patience. My
patience has somehow, somewhere..fled the scene; or at least
it has made a run for it. I'll catch it soon enough I
hope..because when there is a 4 year-old present in the
household...patience is not only a virtue, but a neccessity.
Today, she helped me with the dishes. It makes me smile
when she tries to do things on her own..or wants to help me
all the time. I used to be able to let all the little
things slide. I can still do it most of the time, at leat
externally, but it's more of a conscious effort now. Is my
true self finally starting to shine through, poking its ugly
head out of my wound? Maybe it's the drugs. Am I becoming
another one of the psychoactive morons who run this country.
I'd like to run this country straight into the ground, and
then laugh when people ask, "Where's the nearest Starbucks".
I can do better than that. I will do better than this. I
am an artist. I wish I were more of a poet. I want to write
screenplays, short-stories, novelas, a novel or
two...whatevre would most benefit the world. Sometimes I'd
like to give up, but more often than not I'm happy with my
situation. I'm 18 and living at home (sharing a bedroom
with my cousin and her 4 year old daughter). I used to
always be lonely...always in need of Love..to find the
One..to find her somewhere...somehow. But now it doesn't
matter so much, at least I pretend that it doesn't. I just
quit my job of 11 months. I was a custodian, or a
janitor..I prefered custodian. I cleaned shit (sometimes
literally). No one will understand the perspective I have
gained on human nature and behaviour, until they do similar
work in similar conditions, with an awesome co-worker/boss.
Chris was/is a great man. He helped define me in a lot of
ways almost as a second father to me. In some ways he
replaced my father..and that saddens me. My father is an
alcholic who hasn't drank in a month or so. I despise
drinking and smoking. Most of my family members smoke; I
should move out. I'm afraid of independence, but I hate
being dependent. I refuse to drive. I'd rather ride a bike
up hill to work 12 miles, or ride with my dad while he chain
smokes three or four cigarettes during the half-an-hour
drive. I won't drive until I can afford a car efficient
enough for the modern world. Meaning, either electric..or
some other low-to-no emission vehicle (such as an expensive
mountain bike). There's this girl. There's always a girl.
No, nevermind, I won't go into that. I was reading this
girl, Stacey's entries before I started this, so I will now
go back to that. (There, now someone has mentioned you)..

Tomorrow will be another day to complete. Unless I die in
my sleep.




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