my own escape
2001-06-11 00:41:15 (UTC)


If she could be anymore on my mind i would be crazy. I
think about her all the time. If she was older i think.
maybe its all nuts but i am nutto about her and she is the
same about me but shes in new york. the same tired old tale
of long distance love. yea i know "cry me a river" youre
probably saying. oh well

so spooky has this slut for a girlfriend and her face is
fat. Shes just nasty all around. But hey whatever floats
your boat and sux your dick at the same time. lil hoe.
So i had an epiphany or break through in therapy this
week: I've realized the guy i knew in high school and
loved so much is dead. The girl who i used to be is also
dead. It's like someone hit restart (on the game of life--
kinda like nintendo used to be) but it didnt erase or
memories or experiences. So i'm not in love with the new
mario but the old spooky. I just dont know anyone the way i
used to. I used to feel so comfy in my relations with
people, so safe. Now i am in this new world with none of
my old friends hangin out with people i never used to and
its strange.

people think me and tat are gay together bc we're always
together. Yea right thats not right. thats too weird i
think. I just cant think of her in that way, shes too much
like a sister to me. But being just a little biut more
open about myself is really nice. So what that i like
females too? does it really matter tht much? I say no it
doesnt if it makes you happy who you are with it shouldnt
matter if they ar female or male. To quote my friend liz's
ex "i dont date girls or guys-- i date who makes me happy."
I think that is a most profound and correctlt stated
feeling. I would like to adopt it. i think i shall.

summer school is about to start on july9 and ill take my
course in bio206. 4 weeks- thats what i have to keep
telling myself. It'll be hell but it will only be 4 weeks.
i'm superwoman and i know i can do this.

why cant i be happy? what did i do to be so sad all the
time. i really like to cut and i have tried so hard to not
do that. Ive done really well! its be oh geez like at least
a year since i did it. i feel good about it but i feel like
i wanna do it even still. it brings you back to reality -
that first cut is always the best. To se the blood bubble
up and out then to drip its almost magical. Its this that
keeps me alive and wo it i'd be dead. so why do i like to
cut? I guess its my why of flirting with death. without
hurting anyone in the process. shit i just want to get the
blade. to feel its sharp edge sliding into my skin knowing
the cut is deep enough to bleed to know ill have the
satisfaction in a moment. o mi god!!!!!!

this is my promise and the reason why i opened this diary:
I want to know and remember things and thoguht from day to
day. even the scary ones like up above. so when i come out
of the weird ness i can look back if i ever wanted to and
see how sick i really am.

peace out