The words of Blue River...
2002-05-22 18:01:26 (UTC)


I'm so lost right now. I have been trying to control my
temper and hide my depression from others, in a vain
attempt to help my depression go away. I really don't
think it's helping. I don't think anything is going to
help at this point. It's just that sometimes I feel like
no one even cares about me anymore. Sort of like I'm
invisible, but at the same time, I know that's not how it
really is. I don't know where I'm head, but I feel like
I'm wasting away. I want to get somewhere and do something
with myself. I just don't know what or how. Mine and
Joe's relationship hasn't been all that great lately
either... We've been going out for nine months today. I
don't really know if he likes me all that much anymore.
It's like he doesn't like who I am, or how I'm living my
life, or how I style my hair. I don't really know, but I
care about him so much. I really don't want to lose him...
I can't lose him. He's like my heart, he's the only reason
I'm alive. I just really don't know... sometimes I think
he's just staying with me because of the pleasure or
something... I really hope not. I've been hurt by a lot of
other guys. And I don't want that to happen with Joe. I
know he really does love me... sometimes I just think it's
hard for him to show it, or he doesn't want to show it. I
don't know. It sort of bothers me when he never
compliments me. Sometimes I'll just be begging for a
compliment, and I swear he knows that... but it's like he
just won't give in. He's never told me once that I'm
beautiful. Or even pretty. I hope I am pretty in his
eyes... because to tell you the truth, I don't even know if
he thinks I'm attractive at all. I know that he doesn't
think I'm fat though. Maybe that's all he thinks, he
thinks I'm ugly, but I could be uglier if I was fat. But I
am sort of fat.... well... I have a little extra weight.
I'm so lost. I just wish I could find someone who feels
the way I do.

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