Pillow Of Your Bones
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the emptiness i carry around inside of me is ineffable.
we had 1st and 2nd pd exams then i had to find joe john
mary and craig (i was taking them out to lunch/home). julie
and laura were there...said they were goin to dd (we were
gonna go to subway...craig wanted to) so i said we were
gonna go there instead. when we got there mary and craig
walked over to subway and i bought john joe and me donuts.
then julie left and we (well not laura) went to subway to
get them. mary tells me i gotta drop her (who on monday
said: 'we hafta hang out this weekend' me: 'i have
wednesday off and its a 1/2 day' her: 'u hafta come over!
we can go swimming and everything!') and craig off down the
street from her house bc her mom still doesnt really want
her riding with me. okay...what else do i have to do? i
have no other friends now and no boyfriend...mighta as well
just be their fuckin chauffer. 'hey kerri...i see ur f'n
gas light is on and uve been driving us everywhere so ya
want some gas money?' LMFAO! i dont think theyve EVER
offered me gas money. only times i can ever get any is when
I ask THEM. gah. by then john had had a hissy fit and
stormed home. fuck him. i dropped joe craig and mary off at
joes house and came home only to have carlos ask me (THE
SECOND I WALK IN THE FUCKIN DOOR) if ill drive him to
fuck it all.
i honestly dont know why im still around. ive had so many
chances to do it!
not like very many ppl will miss me. the only people i have
right now that i can tell anything to and i know arent
using me are laura...and shes quitting SOON and ryan.
*sigh* my friends f'n suck. EVERYBODY FUCKIN SUCKS!
and then we get to the OTHER gaping hole inside me. what
the hell is my problem? hes shown me enough times that im a
moron and he doesnt really care so why do i keep trying so
hard? why do i keep believing him even tho i KNOW he only
comes to me when he has nothing better to do? why does he
do that? he MUST know what he does to me. i KNOW he knows
how i feel about him. he just keeps giving me hope then
showing once again that he really doesnt want anything to
do with me. 'u deserve better kerri' then why the FUCK cant
i get better?! i can only GET f'n 10th grade assholes! as a
matter of fact i dont even WANT better! i just want HIM!
GRRRR *sigh* at least ryans happy.