a watercolour stain
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2002-05-22 06:36:37 (UTC)

coming undone

my first real memory is of a backyard family barbeque. i
was quite small. 3 maybe. i used to state the fact that
i remembered it, but my mother would tell me that i didn't
really remember, i just thought i did because i had seen
pictures from it. perhaps she was right. who knows.

i do have other real memories though. some i'd rather
not. i can clearly recall things from kindergarten. i
remember me and a boy, adam, always being the last two to
leave and always tidying up the room, going about pushing
in all the chairs. and that wonderful little kid classroom
smell. all paste amd construction paper and those big fat
squared off crayons.

now, suddenly, my thoughts jump to the time we went to
lillith faire. i was wearing my favourite jeans. the ones
that were perfectly flared and hip hugging and had the
strange little pockets. and that deep blue velvety tummy
revealing halter top. and the jesus christ sandals. (what
ever happened to those??) cassie and i danced in the rain
to jewel. an absolute magical evening. also the night i lost my
virginity. (i hate how that sounds- perhaps i'll make up a new
something to describe it?)

then, the funeral home. brandon gone too soon. everything then was
so surreal. kinda fuzzy around the edges the way dreams sometimes
are. i cried so hard i thought my head might come undone. i still
cry though.

everything hurts-

~V stardust

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