2002-05-22 04:35:54 (UTC)

why do people cling to broken..

why do people cling to broken relationships that never
worked too well in the first place? I sorta wonder what it
is exactly that sorta makes me wish things had never gotten
bad between us even though I had the feeling even when
things were good that we just weren't going to work out. I
mean, why do I sorta go out with people and think that
things will get better with time? There wasn't actually
anything visibly wrong at the time. We just didn't have
much of an emotional connection. I didn't feel like he
cared about me which he might not have... but I guess on
some level he sort of had to just cuz he spent so much time
with me that it would be really strange for him to be
totally indifferent to me and my feelings. Although, it
certainly seems like that's how things are. It's just sorta
hard to imagine that it's actually the case. I just thought
that as we went out longer we would grow closer together
and fall in love. I certainly didn't expect to love him
right at the begining cuz that's stupid. It's not love. I
didn't ever love him. But I wanted to. I wanted him to be
the person that I COULD love, if that makes any sense?
Judge was that kind of person. And I think I was sorta more
close to being in love with him... he was a lot more
compatible to me I guess.
So I guess the breakup thing between us doesn't hurt that
bad. It's worse because of how the situation is with his
best friend going out with my friend (i knew it was bad
right from the start but I couldn't say anything. I met Dan
first and they met through us... but I couldn't say no to
them or anything) and of course I'm the one who gets
screwed over by this. That's what's so frustrating. I'm not
the one who makes the big mistakes here. I have to deal
with the fact that I can't hang out with my friends anymore
cuz I don't want to face Dan. The reason I don't wanna face
Dan is cuz of how HE chose to treat me... maybe it was a
mistake to go out with him in the first place but I didn't
know it then... I just knew that a nice good looking guy
liked me, apparently. (maybe he actually didn't and just
wanted a girlfriend on his arm. i don't know). So I
presumed that he would have enough of a conscience to treat
me decently, and he didn't. That's his mistake, not mine. I
just hate having to deal with other people's actions cuz
they always seem like I get the worst of things even though
I try so hard not to make bad situations... I just get
caught up in what everyone else does.