2002-05-22 00:44:43 (UTC)

Tuesday, May 21st (732pm)

I got back to GSP, finally settled. I spent two nights
over at Jiyun's house not wanted to be here alone. I think
it's about time for me to come to myslef and do what I
want to do.
I tell myself that I don't want to think about Justin, but
it's weird how much I dream about him. I dream about how
it felt to kiss him and have him hold me close to him. I
woke up this morning hitting myself upside my head asking
why i keep dreaming about something in real life I am
trying to forget about. Rather sucky.
There are some things in life that are more beautiful to
watch from a step behind. That is one thing that Justin
taught me. My dreams seem to become bigger from a step
behind just dreaming of how it would feel to really be
with him.
I did not feel my brain tremble or my heart melt when he
touched me. It did not feel the same way it felt like when
I was with Elijah, who made everything look more magical.
It's a good decision I made and I should be proud of it.
There is no reason for me to not try to think about it.
It's immature for me to try to bring him down just to make
myself feel better. That is not a good thing either as a
person. Why be so pathetic? Be nice and be the winner.
That's what I want to be.
Don't even think about "oh i want to best for him" because
that's just to cover the hatred you feel towards him. With
Justin, it was more physical than emotional or mental.
There was nothing more than the physical attraction for
him to offer me.
We are heading for different goals and I am too much for
him to handle. There is too little for him to be able to
handle because all he wants now is to have fun...
something I was not able to give him.
Myo be happy with what he can do because when you meet the
right person you will understand what all the waiting was
for. It's a scary thing though. What if the right time
comes and then all you can say is... is this what i was
waiting so long for?