faraway

faraway
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2002-05-21 23:17:20 (UTC)

I'm worried


I want a healthy relationship more than anything. Healthy,
happy, stable.

But Josh...it's been harder lately. He starts to obsess
about things, all kinds of things and he gets upset so
easily. He said he was going to seek treatment for OCD. I
hope he does, I just want a normal relationship. I want him
to feel better and be relaxed, stable, doing ok. I know I'm
far from perfect myself. But I feel like his mother
sometimes and I hate that, I always have to reassure him
about so many things. I don't want to be anybody's mother
right now. I want to support him and be his best friend,
his girlfriend and lover, but I don't want to feel like I
need to take on the role of calming his thoughts down all
the time. Sometimes he becomes so irrational and I try to
tell him everything is going to be ok but lately I'm not
sure myself. I want to see him as someone I look up to, not
someone I have to take care of.

I'm starting to worry about the future...will we be able to
be together for a long time? Will be able to love each
other without fighting, without power struggles, without
mistrust. Will we really be able to be happy living
together next year like we want to, so bad.

I had this picture in my mind that I wanted so badly to be
us, I was so glad this wasn't like my other unhealthy
relationships. But fuck. I don't know sometimes. I hope I
hope I hope. He's coming home the day after tomorrow,
please god I want things to work out between us.



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