Nikko_83

Gay man in a straight world
2002-05-21 17:13:50 (UTC)

God I hate this.

Well another boring and insignificant day has passed.
Yesterday I spent the whole day by myself, with the
exception of school of course, but then again that place
hasn't been any easier to go to then anywhere else
where my "friends" are. So I guess that doesn't really
count does it? Who cares, but I for some reason started
thinking about people that aren't in my life anymore, for
instance my friend Veronica.
Let me tell you about her, Veronica or Vero for short
was the sweetest girl you could ever meet, she was my
best friend. I met her through my brother she and him
were dating for like four years. During that time she
became really close to me and my family, basically
becoming a sister to me. She was always there when I
needed her and held no biases toward me and never
let me feel like I was any different from her other than
the whole gender thing. She was also one of the first
people I ever came out to, I mean she even knew
before any of my family did, she naturally accepted me
for who I am, and never thought twice about it. She was
truly a beautiful person inside and out. I never once
heard her murmer a single bad word about another
person.
Well I guess you're probably wondering why I speak
about her in past tense. Well the thing is, about four
months ago on a fateful saturday Vero was involved in a
car accident and was killed instantly. I remember
exactly what happened, I mean it's kind of hard to forget
since it plays through my mind everyday. But I
remember talking to her the night before it happened, it
was on a friday night and I had called her to see if she
wanted to go to a rave with me on Saturday, she said
she wasn' t sure but she would try. She said she had
some things to do on that day but she would call me
back to let me know if she could make it or not. Well the
next morning her and my brother(the one she was
going out with) were on their way to Santa Barbara so
she could visit my grandmother, she was my
grandma's favorite. Well they were in two seperate cars
and I heard that she was following him, for some
reason she lost control of the car and she veered off
into oncoming traffic well she was trying to get back in
the ongoing lane,well she got t-boned by a pickup. At
first they told us that she died instantly but we later
came to find out she she didn't die instantly, but in fact
lived for a little while after that.
I was thinking about something last night, she was
the only person that never turned her back on me. But
the tragic fact is that she was taken away from me. The
one person that helped living life a little easier for me,
is gone. I don't feel like I have anyone left, at all. My
friend is moving to Hawaii and she was there for me
when Vero died, she was my strength I need her, but
she too is leaving. Is there anyone that I love that won't
leave me? All of my friends right now are distancing
themselves, I mean even my roommate is not around
anymore, I mean I live with her but I don't get to see her.
And not to mention Shannon wants nothing to do with
me, I think that now that she has Brandie back she
feels that I am no use to her anymore. Fuck her.
Right now I am trying my hardest not to cry in class,
fighting back the tears. I haven't been able to stop crying
for a few days now, I don't know what it is. I think I need
therapy, funny how I thought i was done with it,
comfortable enough to think that I can take life's little
curves and be okay. But I guess once again I am
wrong. I am running out of options, I even found myself
entertaining some thoughts I had assumed I had put
away never again to be thought of. I don't have anyone
to turn to anymore, I don't know what to do, frankly I am
scaring myself. Guess I should end this for now, try and
get some work done, maybe that might get my mind off
things, we'll see.

--Ruben




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