Toots

Mean Mr. Mustard
2002-05-21 05:01:44 (UTC)

hmmmmm

yes, hmmmm

I'm cold. It's 37' outside, and thta's probably why. It's
fuckin cold. I hate the cold. We better not have a cold or
even cool summer. I want it to be HOT. So hot, in fact,
that I will melt in my long sleeve shirts that I wear
constantly.

I need a webcam. I've decided. Yup, I sure do need one. See
I've been planning on getting a camcorder anyway, but they
are all so expensive. It would take an entire paycheck to
pay for a less expensive one. Webcams on the other hand are
much much less expensive (well, they can be, anyway). I
know, there is a huge difference between camcorders and
webcams. But, the truth is this: I have been talking to
someone online recently, and I this person has a webcam and
I have seen this person as we IM each other on AOL. And I
want this person to see me, as well. I mean, it's only
fair. Right? And it feels a little creepy with me watching
and them not seeing anything but a few pics I sent their
way. Yeah, so that's my story on that.

Life is kinda boring. No offense to those living it and
enjoying it, but I am bored outta my mind. Maybe in a
little while I will have some excitement. But I doubt it.
But maybe. But probably not. But ya never know. I have a
hunch.

I am a dork. Oh, that reminds me... I have had 3 people
tell me that I look like Hilary Swank (a.k.a. - that girl
from Karate Kid, the last one, with the girl). The first
person to tell me this, I somewhat disregarded it. She was
a little airy at times. And I had never seen the movie and
Hilary Swank was not yet famous. The the next person to
tell me this is a very cool person I just met. And then
someone else told me who I do not even know. But, all in
all, I don't really think I look too much like Hilary
Swank. If I did, then I'd have boobies. And those who know
me know that I haven't any of those. They're more like
swollen nipples. Not that I'm complaining, I've had boobs
this size practically all my life (counting in utero), and
if they suddenly became super-boobs, I'd probably be very
uncomfortable with them. And self-conscious. But, I'd still
like to be able to fill out a full friggin A-cup. Sometimes
I can, but other times, it just doesn't fly. Yeah, I have
boobs who can think. They grow and shrink at will, whenever
it's most convenient for them.

Yeah, that's enough about my breasts. Perve.

I should eat more. I'm hungry, but I get so hungry that
when I realize I'm hungry, anything that is food sounds
extremely unappetizing. Don't worry, I'm working on that in
therapy... :)

And that reminds me of something as well. I've been
thinking about not going to therapy anymore. I know that
I've still got plenty of issues, probably years left in me
to drag out and cry about, but I am so sick of sitting on
the bearded shrink's couch while he writes on his yellow
legal pad. I wish I could see what he writes on those
papers. It's probably his grocery list, or something. Maybe
he doodles little cherubs in the margins. Flying naked
angel boys. That's a cherub. No, I'm just kidding. I'm sure
he's a nice guy. I'm just bored with therapy. And I haven't
told him some crucial things, and I really have no desire
to tell him these things. And I also feel like the things
that are bothering me lately are things I can handle on my
own. Things I have to handle on my own.

And I've been thinking about going off the medicine too.
Just because. I wanna see what might happen. And this was
distressing when I found out, but my crazy grandmother
takes the same med. I do, but she takes a lower dosage and
she takes it less often. And I've been wracking my brain
trying to find a logical reason for this, and the only one
I can come up with is this: I am crazier than my crazy
grandmother. How utterly traumatizing. Not to mention the
obvious negative sexual side-effects this med. has. I don't
need negative sexual side-effects. I have enough issues
with sex as it is. But, I'm starting to get what I'm into.
So, that's good. I guess. We'll see.

I only slept like 2 hours last night. I am pretty tired,
but not tired enough to go to sleep. But, I am bored with
this. And I am still cold. So, I will stop writing now, and
go lay down on the couch with a blanket, and I will wait
until I am almost asleep to get up and turn off the puter
and lights and go to bed.

Maybe someone will talk to me online... maaaaybe.

Anywho, good night all you lovely folks.




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