2002-05-21 04:27:51 (UTC)

this is what my problem is

ok i have figured out what my real problem is.
everyone is always so fixated on their relationships or the
people that they like and trying to get with them or trying
to stay with them or trying to deal with the fact that
people really don't give two shits about you and only
prentend to for as long as they feel they're getting
something desireable from you. That is sorta how I am. I am
always concerned with having a boyfriend. Probably because
I've never had a healthy relationship with anyone, or a
relationship where anyone genuinely cared about me, never
mind loved me. I'm almost 20 years old now and I guess that
is kind of sad in a way cuz lots of much younger people
than I have already had at least one relationship with
someone where they had a deep bond and were very happy with
someone. Even if it was not 'mature' love or whatever it's
still something more exciting than anything I have ever
experienced. And I guess it does suck that nobody has ever
treated me with respect. BUT the point here is that I
really should have something else in my life that I enjoy
and that I am passionate about OTHER than finding a person
to have a relationship with. I am a fairly happy well
adjusted person, don't get me wrong. But I don't have one
thing in the world that makes me happier than anything
else. And for a lot of people the thing that makes them
happiest than anything else is spending time with a
significant other. I just have to accept that that's not
how things go for me. No one is going to be there for me
and I have to find some other source of great happiness. I
don't know what it is though since i'm not musical (tried
it -- compeletely tone deaf and no timing either) i'm also
not artistic (i can't do anything with my hands i'm just
not coordinated enough i guess) and i'm not athletic (i'm
5'4 and 107lbs too small for most sports and I just on't
have the knack for things no matter how hard i try. I
played softball for 8 years but it just made things worse
cuz the bitches i played with thought it was appropriate to
blame me when we lost).... so yeah. I don't really know. I
am not really talented at anything. I'm just nice to
people. That's how people sort of know who I am. And it
hasn't gotten me very far in life. Really, most of the time
it just gets me shit on by people who take advantage of it.