T

Me and X
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2002-05-21 00:51:07 (UTC)

i slammed the brakes

So......

Last night.. i was driving... and i came to this
realization..
Its not like a revolutionary idea.. but its just kinda.. a
realization that put my mind at ease. I finally figured
something out.. despite how simple it is and so apparent to
someone else it may be.

I was driving and I looked at the setting sky and the deep
indigo clouds against the violet backround. And I thought..
that "drama" consists of this...

a rocky beginning....... an even rockier middle..... you
think that the middle is so crazy.. so unbelievable... that
the end just HAS to explode.. it HAS to be some collossal
huge thing a fruition of all that has just occured coming
to one final point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then it just ends.... it ends so much more quietly
than you ever wouldve thought at the beginning.. and
especially not when youre in the middle.

its like........... president clinton...and the whole
intern thing....... what do you remember...

the beginning... "oh my god.. president clinton f'fed the
intern!!"

the middle....... where everyone comes out of the wood-
work.. all of the allegations fly.. interviews, court
hearings.. lying on the stand.. blah blah blah blah
and then........

the end.... the end was what..... it ended.. nothing
collossal happened.. it just ended. right??? there was no
true fruition to the events..

its like me and X.... I've been waiting for it to come to
some collossal end.. where N finds us fucking in her bed..
or my parents walk into my house when they are supposed to
be on vacation but instead see him with me in their own
house......
or he beats me so badly... ive got a punctured lung.. a
broken leg.. and face full of black and blue and blood...

but no........
if and when X and i do end... ive come to realize that itll
probably be peacefully, and lovingly. and it will
simply.......
end.
or what i TRULY hope deep down in my heart.. is that the
ending will be simply........ we work things out.. and we
will continue, and that someday... we will peacefully move
in together. .and peacefully build a relationship that we
can both be happy with.

but the one thing i feel pretty sure of.. is that.. if i
feel things are getting soooo crazy that the end MUST be
near.. its not.. im still in the middle.. because endings
are never as dramatic as the movies.

when i brought my eyes back on the road in front of me...
after looking at that beautiful sunset and coming to my
realization... i saw a silver car right in front of me.
as i slammed on my brakes i thought.. this will be my
simple ending...... and after i was safe from rear-ending
the person in front of me.. i realized that dying in a car
crash really wasnt simple enough.

x is in california.. he hasnt emailed me back.. please
email me back x. i love you.


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