2002-05-20 23:29:57 (UTC)

Jimmy smile revisted.. (cont.)

i told him how much i wante dhim back then and how badly that scared me then. I apologized for being such a dick tease bitch lol (and boy was i a bitch!!!) and we reminised about times i thought i forgott. th eclarity of his memory intrigued me... details in his mind from times so far past.
nostalgia in this case began to breed temptation though... and i mean alot of it. he begged me to come see him, or to let him come here... i almost agreed.

in the end what happened though was my getting to know him on a different level. he turned out not to be as evil as i once thought he was lol and i thought damn, i'm glad i didnt know that back then or i really would hav been in trouble. lol and for about 6 months , even though it was only in typed words (as i would take it further) he became a part of my life. i felt like i was having this weird kind of affair or something ot be honest. i felt guilty about it , but at th esame time i justified it by telling myself... well, its not like we're having cyber se xor something, and its not like this is just sosme strnager i know him lol (sorry my typos are kickin in hard now lol)

but i started to think about him when i was off line too. As if he read my mind he told me the same... and hten it got to this deep place that felt scary on a differnet level than it had back then. everything between us took a new meaning .. sex quit being the main subject of conversation and in getting to know the real him i got scared b/c he ended up beinga person i liked.

between my memories of him, the ones he evoked, the efects he had on me then, and this new person i was getting to know it all got too complicated. i couldnt tell if it was nostalgia taking over or something new and i didnt like i. so i quit responding to him, and a couple months later he diaspeared. before he did though eh wrote me a pathetically sweet emial as a good bye of sorts. Except it wasnt a good bye, it was more like a "when you get over the guilt, i'm here and always will be" kinda letter.

I never stopped missing him. Its not a ocnstant ache or anything, but it is a twinge i feel from time to time still. Will curiousity win me over? well see....