The Book of Nod
Jess: dont tell me how you felt..
dont tell me how you felt last week or what happened. I
dont care. I care about now. i can try to change how
you feel now. I cant do anything about last week.
I dont know how i feel about you. I know you are more
than a friend but i dont think of you in a romantic sense.
Does this mean i love you? does this mean im just
another one of your "puppy dogs", does it mean im one
of your "kids"? On top of this I dont know how you feel
about me. Half the time you want me to stand out there
and talk to you or listen to you bitch and half the time
you tell me to leave you alone when your bitching to
someone else. Im not that clever i need to be told
things. Im not as smart as i get credit for. I miss really
obvious things sometimes.
You think youre the only one who wants to kill yourself?
What if i told you that every time i walk past a bus or
over a bridge i think about how easy it would be to slip
and fall. If jake was your role model you are mine. I
watch you everyday get shit piled on you and am
amazed on a daily basis that you somehow manage
not to drown in it. Whatever you tell yourself you are not
a cold heartless bitch. You have people who care
about you and whether you beleive us or not you are a
good person. We would miss you if you left. I
personally dont know if i could get by without seeing
you and knowing that you are pulling through. it scares
me to think of the day that i no longer know you or can
no longer see you on a very regular basis.
When i said you could get me to do meth that wasnt the
whole story. You could get me to do just about anything
you asked. I dont know why. Its like when you asked
me to help cheapass move. It isnt because you have
boobs or whatever and it isnt because i love you (if i
do...do i?) its because i have respect for you. Its why i
would have done it if julz had asked me. I respect her.
I respect your decisions. If you want to drill a hole in
you skull then fine, i wont think any less of you. The
only thing that would make me think less of you is if you
gave up. I hate to see strong people give up.
So i have this habit i cant break of categorizing girls i meet into two catagories. Can i see myself dating you or not. pretty simple. well you had to come along and screw it up. I want to put you in the not category but on
a daily basis i am forced to re-evaluate that choice. I
think it would be amazing to be with you but then i dont
know. You make 2 people this categorization hasnt
worked for. And the other reminds me in alot of ways of
you...coincidence? I think not.
I cant think of anything else right now but the reason i
cant tell you is because i dont know how you will react.
Will hearing /reading this. Push you over the edge and
make you kill yourself? Will it make you hate me? Will
it make you love me? WIll you not care? I can only deal
with one of those. I can deal with you hating me. Its not
hard at least then i know where i stand. But if you feel
like you need to throw my world upside down choose
one of the other ones. Just dont choose the one that
will make me kill myself. Thats is all i request from
you. That is all i ever request from anyone. Dont make
me want to kill myself or others. Its pretty simple...isnt