Don Juan

Fucked-up-ville
2002-05-20 03:46:00 (UTC)

Just Wanna Cry

I've had a revalation tonight. I'm 18, hold a full time
job, make truck payments, many more things that constitute
adult hood... I'm as much a man as I'll ever be. And all I
wanna do is cry. I miss her so much. I thought I could
live without her... I was wrong. She was my true love...
we were perfect for eachother. Or atleast I thought so.
Sub-consciencly, I think I've been doing things to make
myself undesirable to her. I know what she wants in a
husband because we used to talk about it. I've grown into,
this past year, everything she didn't want. I'm a smoker,
a drinker, a man with a tattoo, you name it... I did it.
It's not the only time I've tried to make myself
undesirable to a person. I did it with steph, but now I
just think that was stupid to begin with. I haven't been
able to get her out of my mind for a YEAR! I haven't seen
her smile, heard her laugh, or smelled her hair in a whole
year and it's literally killing me. I have pictures of her
on my wall and every night I go to sleep, I can't help but
look at them and wonder where and how she is. I see her
best friend every week or so and I have to bite my lip,
almost until it bleeds, to keep from asking her a hundred
questions about her. I don't think I can hold it in any
longer... it's eating me up inside!! The next time I see
Deanna (her friend), I'm just going to have to say
something like this:
Me: Deanna?
Deanna: Yeah...
Me: Do you still see Crystal every once and a while?
Deanna: Yeah.
Me: Is she alright?
Deanna: I guess so.
Me: Good... can you give her a message for me?
Deanna: Sure...
Me: Tell her... just tell her that I miss her.
I think that would be all I could say before tears started
to roll down my face. Maybe if Crystal does still care
about me, she'll call me up and talk for a while.
Hopefully it won't stop there. If not... I don't know how
much more life I can stand without her. I just want to cry.