Sleeping with the lights on
2002-05-20 01:28:58 (UTC)

the hardest part of waking up...

is knowing i'm not good enough for you.
may 19th 2002

i don't really have any major love in my life right now.
it's kind of strange. i dunno, not really. this weekend
fucking sucked dick and i don't have anything to show for
it. besides no life or friends. i hate fucking people who
can't just relax and let things happen. people always have
to start stupid shit.
there are so many better things out there waiting for me,
but i don't know where to look. i feel trapped in this
it's like i'm never going to grow up. what's the point in
growing up when i'm just going to be alone.
i didnt want to do it, but i wrote jeff an email. i think
he's the only guy that ever really loved me for who i am and
i just gave him up. the most important people in my life are
gone now, and it is just like there is an empty hole.
my mom told me that i should cut back on smoking dope. i
tried to explain to her why i do it, but she really didn't
want to talk about it. it's cool to know that i'll always
have home to look forward to..but i just can't take it here.
i want to move to washington in the summer, and get a job
there. maybe that will be cool.
dbi played today and yesterday and i missed both of those
shows. i missed teddy duchamp's army. why didn't i go? that
i know it's crazy but i keep thinking about this total
stranger. his name is christopher, and he is the most
gorgeous guy i have ever seen in my life. he seems so cool..
i wish a guy like that would live around here.
damn, i guess he can be my untouchable. hahaha..just like
almost every other guy i've ever liked. blah!
this is long and it's just me bitching about dumb shit.
eh, fuck it.