? :: connie ::?

:: inside my mind ::
2001-06-09 16:25:14 (UTC)

I'm Scared

I feel so alone & lonely today. Everyone's not in town and
I have nobody to talk, too.

Maybe I should accept Jeanne's offer today to go to Bandung
with Keke and Olive, but well ... I don't feel like going
and it's my own fault if now I feel lonely ... :o(

I still feel bad about what I did this morning even though
he already said that it was OK with him & he said that I am
still his angel. How I miss him so much now and wish he
were here right now with me! But I know that I can't be
that selfish and some more, he's not mine.

I'm not interested anymore going for clubbing lately, I
don't know why. I prefer staying at home, writing something
on my website, surfing the net & looking for cool sites,
and checking my emails from him. Seems like right now I'm
really a geek and it's pretty scary!

I'm really scared that I will repeat the same mistake like
what I always did in the past. When I have the feeling for
someone, my world only revolved on him and nothing else.
And at the end, it would be that feel so lonely after the
party was over. It's not healthy for myself. I always try
to apply this quote to myself, "It's better to be loved
than to love", but I've never been succesful so far ... :o(

I once read an article in a woman magazine, saying that men
should show their love to women more than women do and it's
the secret of a happy & succesful relationship as men, they
like the chasing game. Once they think that the get the
target, the excitement would not be there anymore! The
problem is I'm just too easy to fall, even though once I
fall I'm faithful and won't look for another guy, and when
I fall, I really show my true feeling ... Maybe I'm not a
typical Asian girls, but I wish I could be like one of
them. I want to hide more of my emotion & feeling. But how?

Lot of things rambling in my mind right now. Please
stop!!!!! Give me a break, will you?

I wish I'm not making a mistake right now. I'm very very
scared and I feel very empty inside right now.

Maybe I will write again later. I need to wipe my tears now.