camicazy

Meshed Up
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2002-05-19 11:26:25 (UTC)

yadda

but why?
you leave me so confused.
you lead me on and dangle
me on a string
like a puppet
waiting to be moved.

i have forgotten how it feels to be secure about the place
you're in, about the life you live. i have forgotten how it
feels to walk this world wide-eyed with wonder. i have lost
innocence. lost it a long time ago.

i have realized that i am more or less a shallow person. of
course i would like to sound learned and deep, and perhaps
knowledgeable. but i don't think i am. still pretty slow on
the mind, and i can't see past through some things. things
that i don't understand...

but i am not afraid of the things that i do not understand.
i am afraid of ghosts and dead spirits and thunderstorms,
but i am not afraid of what i do not understand. i love
staying at home during a thunderstorm, but i would never
walk outside during one for fear of being hit by lightning.
i'm paranoid yes.

so what do i not understand? everything. i do not
understand everything. i do not understand how words come
out while i type on these keys, i do not understand why a
bunch of letters can have such meaning. i do not understand
why water can quench my thirst, and why food can give me
satisfaction. i do not understand why men have to kill each
other to get what they want. and i do not understand why
people think they know what's real and what's not when in
fact they don't.

does the mind travel faster than light? of course it
doesn't. but i would like to believe it does. i believe in
god although many people do not believe in his existence.
he is there. he's here.

many things may not seem true but are true. many things may
seem unbelievable but they are real. witches and dreams for
example, are unbelievable but are real. they are
everywhere. they haunt us and taunt us. they are fantasies
but they are realities.

i would like to believe i am a person who stands in the
time between a millisecond and another millisecond. but of
course i am not. but there are people who live such
lives...who live for today and for today alone. i admire
them and yet i pity them.

time is an illusion. i am held inside this illusion. we all
are.

everything holds us in. what will set us free? relieve us
of oxygen and gravity. pull us up and down, and float out
into outer space. such horror. and yet that is the only way
i can think of being completely free.

i look out and can't help but think of how meaningless life
is. i shall walk this earth and die...and then probably go
to heaven and sleep at 8pm each evening out of sheer
boredom. heaven is going to be so boring..not that i wanna
go to hell. i would rather be bored than burn.

god will be there though. i don't think god is boring. i
just think being in heaven with all the goodie-two-shoes
and fuddy duddies is boring. oh wellz. maybe i myself
should become a goodie-two-shoes.

from this day forth i shall try not to swear, try not to
lie, and try to concentrate more on god.

it never ceases to surprise me how good people can look on
the internet. the most ordinary looking person can actually
look good with a webcam. another deception that this world
has made.

i think i've babbled long enough. so you see i have proven
a point. i am not a deep person nor am i a genius. far from
it. i am only an ordinary 17 year old girl who's trying to
make sense of things...a 17 year old girl who has to do a
lot more growing up.


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