i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-05-19 06:54:51 (UTC)

You follow me everywhere; i just wish you'd go away.

I probably shouldn't drive when depressed.
Today, I'm driving down the 101, and i'm just, you know,
driving. Nothing special. Pretty normal. Boring, some
might say. And I once again felt this desire to drive off
the road and smash into the wall boardering the freeway.
It was so intense; in that second, there was nothing I
wanted more than to die in a firey, intensely painful, car
wreck. Sometimes I think the only reason I don't smash
into other cars is because I would never EVER want to hurt
or possibly kill another person.

It's not like that's the first time this has happened
either. It's a pretty common occurance for me, this
obsession with death. Specifically my death. Example:
I'll look down from some high place and want to throw
myself off the edge. Or I'll look in the kitchen for a
spoon, and instead fantasize momentarily of being stabbed
with a kitchen knife. Whatever it is, it's been going on
for a majority of my life. I don't know why - for the most
part, I'm happier now than I've ever been. Although I
don't think I'll ever be completely happy, I'm nowhere near
as depressed as I was last year or so. Not even close.

So why this obsession with suicide? I don't know.
Sometimes it takes so much effort to live that I can't
handle it, so I'll escape into breif suicidal fantasies.
Of course, there's always the possiblity that I'm insane,
crazy, a freak like no other....

Even though it slightly frightens me, I don't know who I'd
be without it. I really don't know anything
else.