humming bird

my F***ed up head
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2001-06-09 05:56:20 (UTC)


ok so me and matt kissed!!!!!. and he is so sweet cuz we
wen to this bonfire last night and there were so many ppl
there and like he was friends with all of them becuz they
were like all preps and he is kinda a prep and then i knew
like no one and he stayed with me the whole night
practically and it was so nice of him cuz he coulda been
off with his friends that like i dont know but he stayed
with me and then i was gonna kiss him last night but
urgh ...ok see we were walking home and iw as gonna kiss
him before we left and then we ended up getting a ride form
beth's dad so her dad was right there so i couldnt do
it!..... and then tonight we ent over to tony's and tony
was being kinda stupid and nikki and sami left early but i
didnt wanna go cuz i wanted to stay with
anywayz...we sat in tony's basement for like 45 minutes
just talking and he is so nice and then his mom came so he
had to go but before he left he put his hand around my
waist and pulled me closer to him and he kissed me and that
was his first real kiss and he was a good
kisser to which kinda surprised me but hey i am not
complaining and then after he just hugged me and he is even
good at hugging and he said he had wanted to do that all
night and so had i...but then he ahd to go and tony and
dustin kept asking if anythign happened and i wouldnt say
anything and so they think that nothing happened but chad
knew becuz he just looked at me and he was like i have
known u to long i know that smile and see chad is bi so he
has a peek into the world of how girls think... but matt
told me that he loved my eyes and my hair and that he was
surprised that i was more popular becuz i was pretty and
fun to hang out with and he is just so cute and just such a
good boyfriend and i feel like i could tell him anything
and trust him and he is just so nice to me and my friends
all like him and it means alot ot me what my friends think
of my boyfriends and even my mom likes him and she says she
thinx i "found a good one this time" but yeah i am
gonna miss nikki so much she is going to ohio to visit her
step dad and bro and she iwll be gone for like a week and i
will miss her so much and i knwo that my friends will
prolly read this but i really dont care becuz i am like
disappointed in two of them right now..... nikki and sami
were over at tonyy's tonight to and then megan and stina
came over and then they left and they were like oh we will
be back in an hour and then never came back...see i dont
really care about that becuz they left to go hang with
ricky and derek and all the juniors and i really dont care
cuz we had all hung witht em earleir and it was a lil
boring to be honest with ya so ya know ididnt care cuz i
was havin fun where i was but the only thing is that nikki
is like leaving in like a day for ohio and they wont get to
see her for like a week or however long she is gone where
as ricky and them will be here alls ummer and i just
thought they shoulda been with nikki...i mean she has been
having a hard time lately anywayz and she deserves to get
to see her frineds befor she leaves but then i told them
that that was mean of them and they go yeah i know it was
mean but we had's like ok you had fun so that
makes it ok..that makes it perfectly fine that you did that
becuz you HAD FUN... ya know just as long as you had fun
while u were out ditching ur "friend" you know then we dont
care but i dunno i just thought that was mean of them and i
am gonna kick tony i swear he drives me crazy someimes
becuz he kept calling nikki stupid and she doesnt need
that either..she needs a vacatoin from everything and she
is getting it...she is lucky..i think we all need a
vacation.. but she deserves one so i am glad..i hope she
will be a lil more stress free when she gets back and a lil
happier... but we r glad that it is summer...we r hoping
things will calm down a lil and all the drugs and alcohol
will chill and be gone for a while.... me and nikki and
sami hate it that our group has fallen apart even tho we
still hang out...we dont tell anyone anything anymore and
half of us look to alternative means to provide them
solice.... like i will alwyas listen to nikki's probs
now.... i love doing it.... i mean i dont really have any biggest problem in a day is that i wont get to
see my byfriend but nikki has gone for like 3 months
without seeing hers so i need to be more appreciative and
since i dont have a whole lot of my own i figure why not
help out nikki or anyone else..and kristina... god i love
her to death event ho i get so fed up with her sometimes...
like i know not every one of us can deal with everything
form her becuz like some ppl have stuff to deal with on
their own and it is hard to take on her stuff to but like
and i mean i think we have all thought about giving up on
her at one time or another...but nne of us actually have
and i dont really thik any of us will...i mean i know
myself that i would not ever be able to do that..ever... no
matter how bad stuff got or how many mistakes she made i
honsetly dont think i could and that may not actually get
me anywhere in the long run but she hasnt
smoked in like 2 days she said and i am really proud of her
for that but i jsut hope it lasts...and also about tonight
how she left with meg and ricky and them..if she ahd
fun ..ok i want her to be hapy but then at the same time
not if it is gonna cost another one of my friends their
happiness... we all sacrifice things for one another some
time or another and i know i am being a hypocrit in some
of the stuff i say if not all but still... everyone is a
hypocrit and that is no excuse but i jsut hate seeing the
way our group is now...adn what we turned into i mean when
did al this start and where did we go wrong and why the
helll did we let this happen to us and to eachother and
shouldnt we be closer becuz of it and not farther and the
saddest part is our own faul that we ended up
where we r...things dont change without ppl changing them
but i gotta go it is lik 1 o clock.....good night

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