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2001-06-09 05:34:11 (UTC)

for christina...

i kinda lost it tonight...
i got really upset.
my bestfriend, christina, called me. and like i dont know..
its just annoying seeing people that were supposed to get
clean with you. still doing the same shit. you know.
like...when your little and youre about to jump in the pool
or something and youre both like "one two" and then youre
the only one that jumps...alone. by yourself...

so much of my life.
was covered in you.
so much of me.
is still apart of us both.
you were the one who always knew what i meant.
and you were the one who knew what i didnt.
but. where are we know.
what has happened to the promises we made.
while we never slept.
all those silly promises.
i have kept.

and you were always so pretty...
but you never thought so.
so open to views.
so opposed to your own.

why cant you see.
why cant you see...
i still am.
why cant you see...
ive done it.
and i did it for us.
i told you.
i would never give up.
your bandannas.
your weight loss.
you fits of insanity.
i guess you never were.
what you thought you should be.

i still have your clothes.
i bet you kept my notes.
silly little girls.
full of so much passion.
silly little girls.
in such a fucked up world.

the two of us.
just, you. and me.
with just that.
we could still have been "we"
but...all the other stuff.
got in our way.
a line of coke.
a bit of K

and youre still beautiful.
youre still my heart.
i just wish somehow...
that this shit didnt tear us apart.

and i know you dont think you know.
who i am anymore.
i know that i wish i could help you.
find your way out.
its a horrible cycle...
i honestly dont know
how i dealt.

i guess i still am...
you say that im better than you.
that you respect what ive done.
but im not any happier.
im not happy now.
im not happy now.
and i still miss everything.
i miss it so much it makes me cry.
i hurt myself still.
and its not that i want to die.
i just need to feel something.
im so numb to pain now.
im sick of living in the past.
but remember our brother the cow.
and how exactly.
am i supposed to forget.
everything that we did.
all the memories that made me so content.
but i know that they will never be again.
because now..
things are different.
i am different.
and i cant be the way i was before.
i cant have that lifestyle anymore.
i have to live my life for others.
my mother.
i cant let her down.
not now.
no, not now.

and i miss you so much sometimes.
maybe that part of the reason.
i pushed you away.
i couldnt have talked to you.
i would have stayed.
but i miss you.
know that i miss you.
and i treasure the memories we had shared
probably more than
you will ever be aware.
because you were apart of my happiness.
and we were so close.
you and me.
and please know this..
please know all of this.

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