2002-05-19 01:44:56 (UTC)

Day 1 of being single

Well we went out to the bar last night but we ended up
leaving once i realized that I probably WASN'T going to
stop crying, especially with his ex-girlfriend walking by
giving me looks all the time and his friends being there...
so that didn't really go well. I haven't cried as much
today but I am very violently angry with him for being such
a jerk. I mean, I have been asking him for THREE WEEKS if
something was wrong, if he still liked me etc etc etc... he
kept saying no everything's fine, i like you, it's nothing
like that, don't worry... so he's been lying to my fucking
face for three weeks all the while he was treating me like
shit and avoiding calling me, not talking to me when I
called him, and blowing off plans with me to do other
things. So I started to think, "well if there isn't
anything wrong with ME... then maybe there's something up
with him that I should be concerned about"... SO I was
worrying about him all the time because he certainly looked
depressed (sleep all day, gained like 10 or 15 pounds,
didn't want to do anything anymore, was growing his hair
out all of a sudden instead of being so concerned with his
appearence like he was before etc etc etc)... so I was
allowing him to treat me like garbage because I thought
maybe he couldn't help it and I was trying to get him to
tell me what was wrong. Finally I call him at home
yesterday and ask him if he wants to come into the city, he
says no i don't have any money to do something. So I said,
well just come over here then. "oh well i don't have any
gas either" oh well i'll come pick you up if you want "no i
think i just wanna stay home tonight" ok... then he says
call me back later... so i did and he's like "Sean's here
we're playing playstation" uh... ok... and he's like "i've
been thinking about things... and i don't think you're
going to be very happy about it... but I think you're
attractive and I still like you and care about you but I
don't think our personalities go together very well and so
we couldn't have a long term relationship oh yeah and i've
been doing drugs again and I know you don't like that but I
do" SO. I didn't really enjoy the comment about
him 'caring' about me since he has never before told me
that he cares about me so all of a sudden he pulls that out
of nowhere to cover his ass when he knows I'm gonna be mad
at him. And I don't like the "you're pretty but I don't
like your personality" bit either. FUCK I HATE MEN. He
could have said something at some point during the last
three weeks where I asked him EVERY SINGLE TIME I SAW HIM
what was wrong instead of just treating me like garbage so
that I'm crying myself to sleep three times a week and
worrying my ass off about him and everything. GRRRRRRR.
They only treat you well as long as they want something
from you. Once they decide that you're not good enough for
them they feel free to treat you however they want to in
order to have the most fun in THEIR lives. I've never had a
boyfriend who has treated me well. No one respects me
enough. I am so fucking frustrated.