Meshed Up
2002-05-18 05:22:46 (UTC)

to them

ahh this sucks.

i'm sleepy but i have to study. and i have not been
studying at all because i keep hearing that lousy japanese
anime song and i can't fucking concentrate.

so i won't get into law. do i really wanna do law? i don't
know. get off my fucking case. i'm doing this for you okay?
i'm sorry if i won't be able to get into law. i'm sorry if
i'm such a disappointment to you. i'm sorry if i'm not as
smart as you. i'm sorry if i'm an underachiever. i'm sorry
if i'm not as pretty as you hoped i would be. i'm sorry if
i'm not as loving as you want me to be.

you know i don't wanna live with you. am i grateful for
everything you've done? yes i am. but get off my case. i
never chose to be your blood. i never chose to be who i am.
if you can't take me and my fucking attitude then just
leave me alone.

am i too proud? i got that from you. i got that from you
and your worthless talk about how i should not mingle with
people of the lower class. who cares about class? i don't
give a damn about class.

you are not the most intelligent person in the world. you
are not the greatest person who has walked the face of the
earth. get that into your thick skull. you are nobody.
nobody. you have no right to treat people that way. they
are people for god's sake. they have feelings too. and if
you don't want them to hurt you then don't hurt them!

i don't want what you have to give me. i don't want it. i
don't care about your money. i just wanna be me. and you
have destroyed me. you have destroyed everything that i
hold dear. everything i hold true. you have lost me.

yes i love you. i love you. but i love you more if you are
far away because if i am with you i end up hating you.

i will never forget all the things you have done. i will
never forget your accusations, i will never forget your
lies. i will never forget the things you have taught me. i
will never forget your words of wisdom and folly.

listen to me! let me speak! you do not listen to me! you
never listened to me!

and you wonder why i am who i am. and you wonder why i
don't talk to you. because talking to you is pointless. i
don't want to tell you how i feel. i don't want you to see
what goes on behind closed doors. i don't want you to look
into my eyes because you will see all the anger, all the
hate, all the sadness, and all the love that i have left.

i never chose this. and i know you never chose me.

you have lost me. until i find myself, you have lost me.
but i love you. i just don't know how much.