Thoughts from Blue Angel
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2002-05-17 19:17:09 (UTC)

What's the Big Deal With Love?

Most people hit their "Ewwww.... Boys/Girls are gross"
stage around the first grade or so. I never really went
through it... But I think it is happening now. I can
honestly say I have no desire to have any kind of romantic
or sexual relationship with anyone right now. Kisses and
cuddles don't even sound appealing. I have little to no
sex drive left, and the thought of never having a boyfriend
or lover ever again doesn't bother me much. In fact, it is
kind of a relieving thought.

I have started to compare my ideals of love with the ideals
I used to have concerning religion. We get pumped full of
all this shit from birth. Love is so overly romanticized
in our society. Nearly everyone has to have a significant
other to have a sense of self-worth. People feed single
people the same lines all the time: "There's someone out
there for you. Just be patient." How many times have I
heard that? We've all heard it so many times that it
becomes imprinted on our brains. It's like a mass

Alright, so let us take a look at reality, shall we?

There is not someone out there for everyone. You might
believe in destiny or God's will or whatever, but I don't.
The world's population is comprised of approximately 51%
women. Considering there are about 6 billion people in the
world, that means there are 120 million women on the face
of the earth that are just shit out of luck. Of course,
you've got your homosexuals, celebate religious people, and
men with like 30 wives, but that's getting way too picky.
There are lots of people who grow old and never get
married - not a large percentage, of course, but it
happens. And even if you do happen to find "the love of
your life" and get married, there's a 50% chance that it
will end in divorce.

I don't know about you, but that whole "There's someone for
everyone" speech is getting less and less believable.

So, why in the hell should I be expected to want a
boyfriend? Sure, it's nice to have someone to cuddle and
kiss and all that. But for what? So I can go completely
crazy over someone who I'll probably break up with within a
few months and end up hating by the time a year's up? And
of course, then there are the hurt feelings and destroyed
self-esteem. I start thinking to that the only reason he
was with me was to get into my pants anyway. So, what do I
do? I search for someone else who will make me feel wanted
and loved and who'll cuddle and kiss and all that... What
a vicious cycle! Why do we put ourselves through that????
It's not worth it!!!!! No guy on the face of the earth is
worth losing my self-respect and sense of independence.

Now that I'm realizing this, I am so much happier. Why be
so worried about finding someone? I am an awesome person
when I'm not attached. In fact, I'm probably a better,
stronger person when I'm single. Until this point, I was
more confident when I was with someone, but I really feel
that I'm more confident than ever right now.

Maybe this will pass and I'll eventually find someone who
proves my cynism wrong. But, at this point, I'd prefer
never having to share everything I own or having the covers
stolen from me every night for the rest of my life.
Society teaches us that that's the life we all should want
and have, but maybe I don't. Maybe I don't want kids.
Maybe I'd rather spend my time building a career than being
someone's maid. Maybe I want to take care of myself and
find my strength within, not in someone else who could let
me down at any minute.

I used to think that I didn't deserve that kind of love,
but I now I see that there's no one who deserves mine.

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