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2002-05-17 19:12:32 (UTC)

i write constantly, trying to avoid the dull pain of gradual loss....


so today so far has been pretty hectic.
sergio spent the night last night.
we had an awesome time.
we went out to eat at fridays.
the server there kept insisting on me ordering drinks.
but i didnt.
i was driving.
and i dont do that shit.
so sergio and i decided that we would just go back to my
place and have a couple of drinks there.
were its safe =)
we went to pointe orlando after eating.
he bought some gay guy clothing.
hes so funny.
we bought some alcohol and then headed over here.
my dad talked to him about making cheese and it was so
difficult for me not to laugh.
i swear my father is a crackhead.
anyway i wanted to watch high art because i havent seen it
in awhile.
but he had never seen gia and he really wanted to see it.
i ended up crying like an idiot of course.
and the alcohol didnt help with that im sure.
we went for a walk after that.
i never walk so it was weird.
but hes on this whole health kick still.
so...yeah i walked.
we talked a whole lot last night.
and today too.
it was good to see that although hes all chicago now and im
still orlando
were still really compatable and close.
i realized i have missed him.
its funny how you dont really realize things like that
until youre put in a situation.
at least im like that.

i miss emily a whole lot today.
a whole whole lot.

i dunno.
im in a strange mood today.
there are all these people i could see today.
shit i could do.
lay out.
work out.
go to a club tonight.
all this shit.
and i dont want to do any of it.
i just want to be alone.
everything in my life seems foreign.
seeing people i never see.
its like im expected to fill this role
which is still apart of me.
but, its just not...all of me anymore.
i dont know.
i dont even understand it.
i just know that its making me feel akward.
i mean, even just listening to cds that i never listen to
remembering shit.
being reminded of things that i havent thought about in a
long time.

i just want my baby here to hug me.
thats the only thing that would feel right to me right now.