the life of me
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May 16, 2002
today was a good day. yesterday was better, well... not
really. see yesterday was track and feild day at school...
and i woke up WAY early to watch russ play volleyball for
class games (i promised him... what can i say?). the deal
was i'd come watch him if he watched me do my swimming
event (small price to pay right?!?). well, i held up my end
of the deal. but guess who was there when i got out of the
pool asking 'when are you gonna swim?' GRRRR! i wanted to
smack him. and i would've if deanne hadn't been there. but
then that isn't physically possible since she's ALWAYS
THERE! but it's ok... *deep breathes* because i get a whole
weekend w/ him. i'm SO gonna have a long ole conversation
w/ him this weekend on campout. *sigh* i need to get OVER
HIM! it's awful! i HATE being in love w/ him. why can't i
fall in love w/ ANYONE ELSE! i told russ that i have a
thing for jackson. i kinna do... i think. but i don't wanna
persue it... that'd just be dumb. russ thinks i should. but
NO! no no no. it's ridiculous. why would i become
interested in someone who's graduating in less then a month
and then leaving in 3 months. STUPID!!! anyways... so he
thinks that's what's up there. grrr... if only i had the
guts to tell him how i really feel. what i REALLY wanna say
is that i love him, that i always have, that i always
will... and it's never just gonna fade away like i pretend
it does. I WISH I COULD TELL HIM THAT! but then he'd feel
bad. then things would get weird and we would lose our
closeness. like we haven't already... *sigh* i'm losing
him. he's slipping from my fingertips. i miss him so much.
i need him so bad. don't leave me russ. don't leave me in
the dust just because you've 'fallen in love.' ya right
you're in love... no, i won't do that... i won't be
bitter... i love him and i want him to be happy! *sigh* ok,
so if russy's happy... then so am i. i'm happy FOR him...
but that doesn't mean that i have to be happy for me... :(.
i'll update you on the happenings of this weekend later.
much love. MUAH!