AnnaAnnaAnna

God Damn, the story of me.
2002-05-16 02:04:26 (UTC)

I didnt get to finish that last entry so...here it is....

Well, I dont even remember where I left off...so I guess
I'll just start with a new train of thought. I looked
around Monday night at House of Java, and almost had myself
convinced I wasn't here, in Alexandria anymore. I was off
somewhere else...exciting and different...drinking a
chocolate caramel latte with the wind blowing in my
hair..brushing it, since it otherwise wasnt. And then I
woke up and realized I was being stupid again...haha *slaps
knee*...Tonight I wonder how I could have even put on a
front for that long! Was I even putting on a front? I dont
think so..Im not sure. I guess its just wierd for me...no
ones ever sat there and told me anything like this before.
Im alittle confused and...uhm, I dont know. I've noticed
myself slip, it's not that Im just slacking, its just that
in the past two years...I've practically lost everything
worth living for, and anyone whom I could have talked to.
But Im not a pity freak, so I usually just keep stuff to my
self. Which, until now...wasn't a crime. I just didn't see
a harm in being happy and smiling even if I was dying
inside...whats the big deal as long as it keeps everyone
around me happy, right? And I mean, come on...I only keep
stuff from yall...because well its stuff I know you dont
want to hear. Thats like me going and pronouncing to every
christian person I know that I dont believe they know
God..i mean...yeah right..it just isn't something I find
making to much sense. SOme things remain better unsaid.But
you ask and I am more than happy to tell you. And I must
say, you all have been asking for it. Its not my fault. And
I guess if you dont like someone for who they are...then
well...I guess they wouldnt care, and I guess I dont. I (a)
dont need your pity...or (b) your advice, or (c) your
influence, or (d) your preaching. Im going to do what I
want to, and I have way to much to deal with. Ever wonder
why people are the way they are? huh? I dont mind staying
cheerful, and laughing with you guys...no big. But when it
becomes personal, a line gets drawn. Close friends cross
it, thats inevitable, but by that point you should in some
way care enough about me to listen to an explanation. If
not...then you shouldn't get one. One can never have to
many friends, and I am the last person who doesn't want a
friend. I guess I'm just upset right now...and I also find
it hard to calm down without doing something you dont want
me to. Look closely...Im still me. My eyes, as bloodshot as
they might be...are MINE. And Ill never change. If you want
me immature and mean sometimes..which is obviously the one
you fell in love with, thats what you've got. I don't agree
with ultimatums...so I hope it doesn't come down to that.
BUt, as far as that goes...its just me. Anna...the same
old, loser. Well, Im going next door...there, here,
whereever I am, Im me, just dont forget that again. Im not
a number 2...im not LIKE someone else. Anyone
else..is...well, LIKE ME. I hate to diss your theory. I
love you. Goodbye for now.




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