listen to my silences
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2002-05-15 23:03:27 (UTC)

it's about time

i haven't written in here in so long. it's weird because
of the situation i'm in i should have probably been writing
everyday. but instead i did homework (ahh!!! what's
getting into me?!!?) and slept. things have

right now, i don't really know how i am. i'm not allowed
to work or drive (though i do sometimes cause i just can't
take the imprisonment). and my rents are punishing me
because my sister's in trouble. that just doesn't make
sense to me. dad and i aren't getting along. i understand
that they don't want me to grow up and leave the house, but
you know what? it's inevitable. and if the crap that's
been going on keeps up, i don't know what i'm going to do.
i have to find a way to escape.

i can't leave right now because of medical bills and no
income. if i was working right now, this wouldn't be a
problem. course if i was working that would mean there
would be no medical bills and there really wouldn't be a
problem. but anyways.

yesterday was mine and jon's three month. things with him
are going so very well. i love him so much. sometimes,
he's the only thing that keeps me looking up. ok, a lot of
times lately. baby, i don't know what i'd do without you.
sit under that tree forever thanks, for
everything. especially today for listening. and by the
way, you're a good holder. :)

i'm so tired of people and school and home. i want to just
get away for awhile. go on my own vacation. but it would
be a quiet vacation. yeah, certain people could come with
me. no immaturity allowed. and no loudness. period. i
was talking to mom about this and she said that's what our
vacation was for. umm...ok except no i need to get away
from them too. i mean, listen to this. i have so many
senior nights from now till the end of school. the day
after school gets out is the senior cruise. the next day
is graduation. the day after we leave on vacation. how is
that vacation when i need time to myself after school to
get me back together. i can't relax with my family
anyway. and a three day car ride with my siblings in the
same car with talk show radio is not my idea of relaxation
or fun. but whatever. i don't care anymore. i can't. i
guess that's why i don't.

i'm taking your advice now. i'm not thinking anymore.
because if i do, i know i'll start to cry again. and,
well, i just can't handle it anymore. two crying sessions
in one day is two too many for my usual.

people i'd take with me on my vacation on day:
7-10)brodie, kari

i'd like to just drive. not anywhere, just away. but i'm
done thinking. love to all.

final thought: none, i'm done thinking remember? lol.
j/k. i have to put a final thought...hmm...i'm at the
library right now. they make 5 cents a copied page. i bet
they make a lot of money. ok that was stupid. so here it
is for real...

real final thought: our education is our belief, so
technically those who are failing could be smarter than
those who are not because they have been educated in a
different way and therefore have different beliefs. and
no, i'm not just talking about school.